Breakup: Day 6

I went out last night. I even gave a guy my phone number. But I won't respond to him. I have no interest. I literally bawled the whole way home to Jason. I'm not ready for human interaction. I looked at every man in the God forsaken bar and thought, "Not even close."

What the hell?

And tonight is even harder cause I haven't been drinking so I'm sitting around wondering what the hell he's doing with his life. Anything? Probably not.

I've come to the realization that he was actually a lot like Mark. He was just sitting around waiting for life to happen. The biggest initiative I saw him take the entire time we were together was approaching me at the bar. Driving out to me in AZ is a close second, but the risks were a lot lower I think for that than they were when he first walked up to me. Ever since then he's just been sitting still watching things happen to him.

That's why I have no fear that he will ever find this blog. First of all, he'd never know where to look. It's like the words easy to use don't apply to him. He doesn't use his powers of reasoning or deduction very well, especially when it comes to the internet. He knows generally what it's supposed to do, but he likes change even less than I do, so he was using shitty Road Runner email...and fought me on changing to gmail...and then I introduced him to Facebook, but he really has no idea why he needs it, what the point is, or what information he can glean from it. And that's really the only place that my blog is listed. Unless you're my sister...who follows me, but I doubt she actually reads it.

Anyway. Writing is and always has been cathartic for me. I feel much better now. I don't feel like calling him anymore and I don't really want to think about what he may or may not be doing with whoever. Honestly...going along with the "letting-life-happen-to-me" theory...he's probably at his parents house watching crap on TV drinking beer and hating himself. And he's probably playing poker. Or he's pissed off so he's at a bar alone.

Ah well. I just want to stop worrying about it!

Good night.