visit

Clearly I like crying these days.

Rather than timing it so that I didn't have to see him, I decided I could handle it and went to John's tonight to drop off the Christmas Tree, the Bullshit episodes and his copy of Into the Wild (a great book AND movie, by the way).

So I call him after dinner, tell him I'm in Tempe and want to just drop off the stuff to get rid of it, which I did want to do...it's been in my backseat since... well yesterday.

Anyway, so I get there, purposefully park outside the entrance (where you're not supposed to park) so that I will HAVE to leave. I walk up the stairs, let myself in, as usual. And there he is. Just leaning against the couch all relaxed and casual.

"Hey," he says.

"Hi," I say back, unable to look at him. I set the box with the tree and stuff in it on the ground as he makes his way closer to me. I busy myself by getting a plastic bag from above the refrigerator... where I know they will be. Open the freezer, take out my ice cream. My heart is racing, my hands are shaking. I can feel him watching me. He says something about finding a shot thingy. He's got all my stuff piled together at the end of the counter. He wants to get rid of me, rid his living space of me.

I pack the ice cream in one bag, the other things (including two necklaces, a pair of earrings, one miscellaneous earring whose mate it somewhere in the apartment, and the jigger) in another bag.

"I'll walk you out," he says.

"Fuck," I think. "'Bye," I say to everyone else in the apartment.

I walk quickly down the stairs, unlock the car doors, toss my things in the passenger seat, close the door and turn to look at him.

"Can I at least have a hug?" he asks.

I shrug. I cover my face and say, "I'm shaking right now." I'm struggling not to cry is more like it.

I don't feel him next to me until his arms are around me. I'm trying so hard not to sob right now it hurts. We stand there for a second and then he lets go. I ask him if he knows how hard it was waiting for his call on Sunday, knowing what he was going to say.

"I didn't even know what I was going to say," he says.

"Yea, but I did." He just looks at me. I look at the ground. "What made you decide then?"

"Talking to you," he says, still looking at me intently. "It didn't seem like you wanted to date me anymore."

"I don't want to date someone who won't compromise."

He shrugs. "Can I at least have a hug?"

We embrace, my arms over his shoulders, one of his hands on my lower back pulling me closer to him gently, the other on the bare skin right below the nape of my neck. This is always how we stand when we know it's going to be a long hug. He strokes my skin and I put my face in his neck. It so fucking comforting.

"I'm sorry," he says.

"Me too."

We release each other...but I don't know who released who first. I want to know what I could've done differently. I tell him that no matter what he says, I'll always think it was me.

"What, cause you were great? 'Cause you weren't terrible to me?" he says.

Coulda fooled me the last couple of weeks...what with my nagging and being mad all the time and yelling all the time. I say this to him.

"Yea, you nagged me, so what?"

"At least I augmented my nagging with...steak dinners, bottles of wine...you know."

We laugh. Okay, not really laugh. We smirk and snicker a little. I doubt we could throw our heads back in glee right now.

"You can always call me, you know?"

"Yea, but you know I won't," I say like I really mean it... God I wish I did.

"Fine, be that way," he says. Could that be pain? Could that be hurt driving that sarcastic comment?

"I just can't rely on you anymore, John, I just can't," I say, not really catching the hurt, thinking only that he's trying to lighten the mood. As if it can be lightened.

We talk about my move. He insists that he'll help like he said he would. I don't know how to tell him I can't accept his help anymore. That I can barely stand here with him not crying, much less spend a day with him, sweating, probably laughing and ultimately relying on him to be the big, strong man to help me move the things I can't move on my own.

We hug again at some point. I'm not sure when, but it's another long one, more skin stroking, more struggling on my part not to cry. He asks into my ear when I'm leaving, tells me to take pictures for him. I tell him I'll visit a lighthouse for him. This just about breaks my heart.

And finally I say, "My ice cream is melting," and sneak by him to get into the driver's side. Our first kiss happened next to this car. Now our last moments are happening, too.

I turn on the car, put it in drive, put the e-brake down and start to buckle myself in when I break down. I start sobbing. He's not even up the stairs yet. I can't move. My hand is frozen mid-air. My shoulders shake, the moans escaping from me me are low and mourning. Then I throw my head back and start almost screaming. Why do I feel like I'm losing my best friend and the man I love all in one? Why do I feel like I'm mourning this great loss, this thing that will never be replaced?

Finally, I pull myself together enough to finish buckling myself. I grab my phone, click on Megan and take my foot off the brake. As I'm pulling away, the only thing holding me together is Megan's calming, "I know honey, I know it sucks."

Sobbing I say, "Now I don't have any reason at all to see him!" Of all things, this is what's on my mind, a reason to need to see him. Now we each have all of our things back, there's no reason to call him up and say, "Oh hey, you forgot such and such, I'll just drop it by." There's nothing requiring him to want to see me. There's nothing giving me a reason to see him. Fuck. This is the worst realization of the night. Even beyond knowing that asking for a hug was for him, not for me. He wanted to touch me. He wanted to be close to me. And I wanted it to, goddamn it.

Half way home, Megan is tired of listening to me be upset so I let her go to sleep. And I think, "Why can't he just be an asshole?"

So, idiot that I am, sends a text: "Why can't you just be mean so I can stay mad instead of crying all the way home."

No response. My tears are sporadic. My fits come in short little bursts of agony. When will this stop? When will I be able to look at myself in the mirror and not cry? When will I be able to tell someone I just ended a relationship without tears welling up in my eyes?

Does he feel this? Does this faze him? Is he hurting? Does he miss me? Does he wish he could be different for me? Does he wish I could be different for him?

When will life go back to normal?

deleted picture blog

Thought I'd explain why I deleted the picture blog. I've been watching Penn and Teller's Bullshit and I just watched an episode where a girl was fired from Delta for posting un-flattering pictures of herself on her blog. Clearly, I do not want that to happen, so for those of you who saw it, congrats. For those of you who didn't, sorry, but I want to keep my job and God knows anyone can find this stuff on the internet.

By the way, Meg suggested that the acne comment could have been some asshole searching around on blogger. But here's my thought, yea I looked like shit in those pictures, but my acne wasn't like glaring, so I'm still convinced that it had to have been someone looking for a way to insult me, and to do it anonymous is just so cowardly it would only have been one person. At least I'm 99% convinced it was this person. And, really? It's been a year, shouldn't he have better things to do with his time? Guess not. Lame.

annonymous comment

Good morning! It's 4am and why am I awake? Well, cause I'm not sleeping. But that's not the point of this blog.

Periodically during the night I wake up and check my e-mail...cause it's there, it's something to do when I can't sleep, etc.

Tonight I woke up and I had a comment (that I chose not to publish) on my previous entry that said, "nice acne." Posted anonymously.

Now, three guesses who would post such an asshole comment.

1. John, but I don't really want to believe that he'd do that. Sure, the last post was directed at him, but surely he understands that I was hurt, right?
2. Someone who's close to John and is more concerned about his best interests than mine, but I doubt they read this blog, though John could've pointed them to it.
3. Paul.

Because lets face it, who else who reads this blog would have a malicious thing to say to me after that post? After the last three posts? Who, but someone who continuously wants to hurt me?

Seriously?

What an asshole.

At least send it with your identity. C'MON! Grow up. You can't even say something mean with your name attached?

Anyway, what only Megan - and the few other people who called me yesterday to make sure I was okay - know is that that post was really the only thing that was keeping me laughing yesterday.

Why? Because it's ridiculous! But I left it up, cause looking at it made me laugh and I needed to laugh.

And your "nice acne" comment is NOT going to take that away from me. Shit head...whoever you are...can't even own up to your own insult.

Anyway, I thought those of you who know I deserve better, those of you who care about me would appreciate that. I know I did.

*sigh* I feel a little better.

picture

I think the picture to your left is incredibly artistic. It captures real emotion. It's off center, it wasn't posed. I just kept snapping pictures this night when I was crying.

Paul, if you're reading this, which I'm not even sure of anymore, you're not the only one who can inflict this kind of pain on me. Hah!

Anyway, Paul has seen this before, haven't you? You made me cry like this, didn't you? You made me feel like I was nothing. Like there was something more important than me. And I see now, thanks to my most recent pain, that she wasn't what was more important. YOU were more important to you than I was.

Thanks, John, for opening my eyes to that. It helps...a little.

But it still begs the question... why was I not important enough, worthy enough, to put before yourself?

I put both of you before me and look where it got me...nowhere. Dumped and in pain and alone.

But Mark... and Kevin... they loved me. They would have done anything for me. And I walked all over them.

Maybe that's the problem. No relationship will ever work if one party is more "into" the other.


It always has to be a level playing field... doesn't it?

Oh well.

Maybe next time.

Or do I just need to be alone... like John?

Bets that he'll be with someone new when I get back from traveling?

It's not me. It's you. Right?

getting dumped

So. Tonight I got dumped. And I got the its-not-you-its-me speech. It was fantastic.

I've been drinking since 3pm. And now I have a headache from crying.

I went to the pool. That didn't help.

I changed my picture on facebook to reflect my mood. That pic of me all happy and cute just wasn't cutting it.

So here I am. At home. Horrible company for anyone. Especially the ones I love. Apparently.

Now what?

wearing heels

So in the past month I have had more complaints about me wearing heels than I think I ever had. First a girl with her boyfriend walking by me in a grocery store rudely says (not out of earshot), "That girl should NOT be wearing heels!" Then, I find out that after visiting my little sister's work one of her coworkers found it ridiculous that I wore heels and informed my little sister as such. Finally, today I got an e-mail on okcupid from some greek dude who wanted to know why - at 6'2" - I wanted to wear heels and wasn't I tall enough already?

SO frustrating!

So okay people here it is, my reasons for wearing heels. Imagine you put two women next to each other, both the same exact height flatfooted. Now, put them both in a knee length skirt. Finally, put one of them in flat shoes and one of them in heels. Who looks more professional, more put together and ultimately, sexier? The chick in the heels. Why? Because her legs are elongated and it's been common practice for YEARS that a business women wear some sort of heel, especially with a skirt,

Okay, there's my reason one, in heels I look more professional, more confident, etc etc.

Next reason. Now, yes, I'm 6'2" and yes, I am quite tall enough on my own. However, I also have four feet of leg. And four feet of leg looks damn good in three inch heels. Stick me in three inch heels next to a girl who is 5'3" in three inch heels. Who are you going to notice first? Most likely me. Now imagine me in a miniskirt and you've got a walking bombshell. Am I right? Of course I'm right because I KNOW how it works when I wear heels, I know how people respond to me when I wear heels.

My final reason, for all you men, for all you women, look at the flat shoes options out there for women. Pretty friggen limited. So why am I NOT allowed to wear all the cute heels that are out there JUST because I'm taller than most people? Huh? HUH? It doesn't make sense! Why am I supposed to limit my fashion choice because SOME people think I shouldn't wear heels just because I'm already tall.

It's ridiculous. Some people wear heels for the height. I wear heels for the way they make my legs look, the way I stand out even more when I wear them and because... GOD... they're WAY cuter and more common than flat shoes!

So that's my rant for the day, hope you enjoyed. Here's a pic of my new favorite pair of heels.





<3

A Change of Scenery

So I was getting sick of how dark my page is, so I'm slowly changing it to something... different. This layout that I'm using today is just a lighter version of the one I was using before, so enjoy, until I switch it up again and REALLY freak you out.

I also added a picture and some more information about myself, though if you're reading this you probably already know me so you don't need all that information, but I edited it anyway. I hope you all enjoy the new look, let me know if there's something I can change to make your reading experience easier!

<3

I love Frost

So, I absolutely love this poem. And it reminds me of my life a little bit. Moving to Arizona? Almost a full continent away from my parents? Probably the road least traveled. But I did it, and in the words of Frost, "...that has made all the difference." So here it is, in it's full glory:

The Road Not Taken
Robert Frost

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Good morning to you all.

<3

What do I deserve?

Well kiddos. It's 1am and I can't sleep. Shall we all take one giant guess WHY? If you guessed a boy, you'd be correct, ** ding ding ding **

I've been crying for the last hour trying to figure out exactly why I am with a person who can tell me at 9pm that they will call me after they're done doing a very specific activity. Much to my dismay I woke up at midnight (already knowing he'd be asleep) with no phone call, no text message, NOTHING.

Now, a one time thing, sure, that's okay, I would be upset but not utterly destroyed like I was tonight. Why, you ask? Because this is a reoccurring theme in this relationship. SO reoccurring, in fact that it just happened a mere two nights ago when the same thing happened. "Call you after the movie," only to find out he really meant, "Call you after two movies, time spent with a friend, and potentially after any reasonable bedtime that you may have had."

So what the fuck, right? All of you have been telling me I deserve better. I just wanted so badly for this person to be everything I wanted, everything I needed... and he is! But I also want someone to feel the same way about me. And he doesn't.

Clearly or how could he crawl into bed... a bed I was just in last night and NOT remember that he said he'd call? How could he not remember me? What it was like to have me there the night before... for fuck sake THIS MORNING... how could he forget about that? And about me? And what it's like when I'm around? I just don't understand.

How can I be so forgettable? So unimportant? So insignificant?

I've got a migraine from crying? I still don't think I'll be able to sleep and I really don't want to go through another day doubled over with stomach pain. This is awful.

I beat myself up enough, emotionally. I don't need the person I love doing it too.

upgrade

I'm sitting in the D concourse at the airport in Atlanta and just decided to upgrade my seat to business class for the long three hour trip home to Phoenix. Otherwise the only isle seat was in the absolute LAST row of the plane...not my idea of fun. So now I'm feeling pretty good about my trip home. A nice big comfy leather seat, extra leg room (always a plus), and...wait for it...complimentary cocktails!! Hooray for business class.

So here I am thinking about all the upgrading I've been doing in my own life. I've upgraded my expectations of myself. I bought a house. I upgraded my living situation... also by buying a house. I've upgraded my self worth, my self esteem, my love of life. All of it.

I've upgraded myself and I love it. A lot of you may not know but I've lost over 20 pounds since the middle of March. I've been really dedicated to making myself better. I go to the gym at least three times a week, most of the time more, I eat right, I'm getting my back fixed by a chiropractor. I feel like I've been upgraded and I have only myself to thank.

So hooray for me too!!

Thanks, guys, for reading.

trip home

I'm sitting in my parents' living room on the last night of my 10-day-long visit to Maryland and I'm kinda reflecting on how everything went this week. I got here late on Saturday and was immediately unhappy about how fricken humid it is here and that I missed helping my littlest sister get ready for prom. From there the week kinda went downhill.

The next day I somehow managed to put my middle sister in tears by telling her to take advantage of my mother's generosity when they went to K-Mart to "stock up," which basically means my mother (before any new year at college or moving into a new house at all) takes us to a grocery store and a store like K-Mart and buys us the essentials, like toilet paper, shampoo, deodorant, etc. By my saying that she should take advantage I SOMEHOW managed to come across as critical. I'm still not sure how I did it, but after we'd all calmed down I apologized and tried to explain that I had not meant to be critical at all, but more like understanding and commiserating. So that sucked.

This was after (by the way) my mother thought it was necessary to call me out on my acne. Now, people, I have been working my ass off to eat healthy to lose weight and those of you that see me on a day to day basis may not notice, but my acne has only gotten worse as I've eaten healthier and lost weight. So this is how she approached this.

We're sitting at the kitchen table, I'm eating cereal, she's reading the newspaper, and we're chatting about nothing in particular. All of a sudden she's leans back, pushes the newspaper away and crosses her arms over her chest and says, "Can you tell me why, if you've been eating healthy and improving your health, why does you face look so bad?" How does one react to such a question?? How can I first address the whole my-face-looks-bad-?? part only to turn around and express my frustration that it doesn't make anymore sense to me than it does to her?

So that sucked.

Anyway. So generally these little things kept happening. I put my middle sister in tears again, maybe even a couple more times, she made me cry, my mom yelled at me, told me I should apologize more than once to whoever I'D upset, but did I get apologized to? Oh hell no. 

I hate to just sit here and complain, but the week didn't get good until I drove down to Virginia and saw Ms. Megan. We went out and had a blast, didn't get to bed until after 5 am, and then went shopping on Saturday. And then John and I talked for over an hour about various things. It was a great conversation and I'm really excited to go home.

I miss Arizona. And I cannot even tell you how AWESOME that is. I've never EVER lived somewhere that I missed when I was away because of the weather! It's so fricken humid here, I have felt stickier and hotter in the last week than I did in 109 degree weather in Phoenix. Also, I realized this weekend that I'm a Phoenician... which is just an AWESOME word! So it's totally cool that I am one. Hah!

Anyway, I had to rant, and reflect and let those people who I'm thinking about know that I'm thinking about them, though they may not know for like a month or so since no one checks this regularly since I don't WRITE regularly. I should set a daily alarm or something to make myself sit down and write. It's so cathartic.

Ok, 'night.

tubing on the salt river

So for those of you who know me, you know that I'm prone to accidents. No matter where I go, no matter what I'm doing, I always end up bruised and battered.

And yesterday was no exception. My roommate Jen invited me along with a group of her friends from various hospitals to go tubing down the salt river. It was an ABSOLUTE blast! The people were awesome, there was lots of beer and good conversation. We were all tied together and floated down the river. It took about 3 hours. I was absolutely sure I'd get burned, but, LUCKY me, I didn't. At least not bad enough to be around today (I was pink last night).

However, I DID pretty much rip up my foot. At one point in the river there was a section that we got stuck in that was pulling us back upstream so I was one of the geniuses to get out and try to swim us (all like 9 of us plus two coolers of beer) back into the downstream current. In the process my shoe came off and I was doing great until I hit a rock... with the bottom of my foot. And here's the aftermath:

Lovely, huh?

But I had a great time and it was totally worth it. Happy Cinco de Mayo!!

lyrics

So ya'll have all read about my depressing situation with John and told I'm in the car home from Tucson listening to Matt Wertz (who is amazing, by the way if you've never heard him) who I listen to all the time. But for some reason today I actually listened to the lyrics of "Falling Off the Face of the Earth" and almost started crying. It reminded me so much of John and what he may be thinking and feeling. Here are the lyrics:

Stay away from me
Cause I'll be gone soon
It's just so hard to let go once we've grabbed hold
It's nothing that you've done
You're not the only one
I'm just learning to be in twenty-three places

And I'm falling off the face of the earth
Crashing into bridges I burn
And I'm falling off the face of the earth
But I'll be home soon

Is this how the story goes
When rubber meets the road
Waving goodbye is so hard without hello

And I'm falling off the face of the earth
Crashing into bridges I burn
And I'm falling off the face of the earth
But I'll be home soon

I keep forgetting to
Keep you an arms length aways

Because I'm falling off the face of the earth
Crashing into bridges I burn
And I'm falling off the face of the earth
But I'll be home soon



For those of you who know the situation, could it more clear? *sigh* Anyway, just a thought for tonight.

migraine induced rantings

So I've got my first migraine since moving to Arizona. And it sucks. I've tried sleeping, that didn't help. Tried eating, that didn't help. So I took excedrin. We'll find out in a little while if that helps. Until then I'll turn the brightness of my screen down as low as it will go and talk to ya'll.

Here are some issues I'm having. I'm in love with someone who accepts me completely for who I am. He allows me to be whoever I want whenever I want. Makes me feel completely comfortable and at home in my own skin - even when he's "too tired" to want me.He's oddly charming, incredibly attractive and just generally awesome. So what's the problem? He's emotionally distant. To the point of pain for me. And I get why, I do. Especially after talking to Dave today, I get it. But it still sucks. So now what?

Well, here's my second issue: Problems with dating other people while you're still sleeping with your ex. 1) You have to lie to both of them. How're you gonna tell someone, "hey I'm having a really great time, but I've gotta go cause I'm meeting up with my ex later and we'll probably have sex by the end of the night"? Or, "I can't hang out tonight cause I'm already with my ex"? Or "Exes? Well my most recent one is actually still in my life, we hang out a lot - every weekend - and we're actually still intimate"? They don't go over well, I'm sure. And then what do you say to your ex? "Hey I really love hanging out with you, but I just want you to know, I've got plans on Friday night to go out with someone else, can I come over after?" or "Hey, the sex is great and all, but to be honest, I went out with someone else last night when I told you I was going to sleep."

All around, it just sucks. So what do you do? Insist that if you're going to sleep together you better damn well be monogamous? What if they say, "Fine, then we're not sleeping together anymore"? Then you can't sleep with who you want and you're left wondering what is wrong with you physically that wouldn't motivate them to ONLY want to sleep with you. Which translates into you thinking no one would want you, which only means that whoever you went out with and lied to probably wouldn't ever want you anyway, so why bother?

*sigh* it's quite the conundrum. Anybody got tips on how to make the one you want want you back? Can't be done? I didn't think so. So now what do I do? I'm too goddamn stupid or stubborn or selfish to let him go. Or maybe all fucking THREE!!

Ok - need to stop looking at screen. Making migraine worse. Crying wouldn't help at all. Thanks for reading. Sorry if it's a downer... my bad.

Spikey hair

Sooo... As most of you know I am dating a very cute boy named John who happens to have a badass mohawk. At some point I agreed to let him spike my head of hair with glue and go out in public (though he did want me to go to work with it spiked). So Saturday night I was like, "Hey, lets do my hair." So while Cory and Myko played Wii, John patiently spiked my entire head of hair with Elmer's glue and a blow dryer. It took about an hour and 20 minutes.

Clearly many pictures were taken. Here's one of them:





Awesome... I know! Anyway, so Myko and John are going to Hawaii on Wednesday for a week and being the extremely interesting people that they are, decided Speedos would be the best bet for swimming while there.

So, as per the agreement, I was required to go out in public while my hair was like this, so we looked up the closest Sports Authority, piled in the car (everyone's drunk but John) and headed down the road.

Not one to be left out of any festivities decided that he, too, would get a Speedo, so all three boys got their own and we headed back to the house, but not without harassing the clerk who was CLEARLY not amused and just wanted us out of the store a.s.a.p. Thankfully there were only like 3 other people in the entirety of the store so I wasn't stared at mercilessly. However, in order to watch reactions, I decided to wear sunglasses while in the store. A grand idea except my coordination was off (damn the alcohol) so I'm pretty sure everyone that was staring at me knew that I was staring right back at them. Ah well.

Anyway, so we all get home and decide to head over to the hot tub in my complex (hence why I, too, am in a bathing suit). We swim for a while, played Wii for awhile (we all sucked... except John... the sober bastard) and then went to bed.

Upon discovering that it was pretty much impossible to lay my head back, however, I promptly took a shower and washed out all the Elmer's. I thoroughly enjoyed it, though, and plan to have my hair like that for an entire day at some point! What a blast!

Anyway, that's my update. Hope you all enjoyed.