back in reno

Well I'm back in Reno and ready to take a break from going out every night. I'm exhausted. I've met so many cool people and had some really fun nights. Phoenix is such a cool town. I'd move there in a heartbeat.

Anyway. I went to Sedona, AZ on Thursday night to have dinner and watch the sun set on the red rock. I'll post pictures eventually. So Sedona is supposed to be this really crazy spiritual place, something called a "Vortex" according to Howard, the west area manager. So I decided it would be fun to have my palms/tarot cards read so I went to one of the many shops on the main drag in town. She told me a bunch of cool things, some unexpected, some not.

She said that I'm very unsettled right now, that I feel like there's something missing and that thing is my soulmate. My life is in line, my career will make me successful, I'm going to live until I'm 86 or 87 (which I think is perfect). But that one thing, that thing that will settle me is my soulmate. And she said I haven't met him yet, but that she felt like I should by next summer. She felt that once I meet him I will be whole, my life will be settled and we will be together forever even though I am afraid of divorce/separation because of my family.

She said that I'd had two relationships in my life that had profound effects on me and that one of them was completely done, but the other one she asked me about. What do I say about that? I have no idea. Clearly there's unfinished business. Anyway.

The most exciting news, though, was that she saw two pregnancies and three children. Now, I have wanted twins FOREVER. Like as soon as I started thinking about my family and how many children I want, I have always, always, always wanted twins. So that was incredibly exciting.

That's about it. I'm tired and I have tomorrow off, which is awesome, awesome, awesome.

"stolen"

We watch the season pull up its own stage
And catch the last weekend
Of the last week
Before the gold and the glimmer have been replaced
Another sun soaked season
Fades away

You have stolen my heart
You have stolen my heart

Invitation only, grand farewells
Crash the best one
Of the best ones
Clear liquor and
Cloudy eye
Too early to say goodnight

You have stolen my heart
You have stolen my heart

And from the bottle flow, we are in celebration
One good stretch before our hibernation
Our dreams are sure
And we all will sleep well
We'll sleep well

You have stolen
You have stolen my
You have stolen my heart

I watch you spin around
In the highest heels
You are the best one
Of the best ones
We all look like we feel

You have stolen my
You have stolen my
You have stolen my heart

it's 1 am

*sigh*

I'm not sure if I should even write this... but it's the only way I'm going to be able to sleep tonight.

There are people in our lives, very few people, who will affect you in such a way that their removal is devastating. These people are the ones you want to talk to at 1 am when you can't sleep. These people are the ones you worry about 24 hours a day 7 days a week. These are the people you need... the people you can't function at 100% without once you know what it's like to have them in your life.

And my person, the first in my 22 years of living, has deserted me, preferring to be angry and hateful than to accept the importance they hold in my life and the role I so need them to play.

I feel alone tonight. But it is not just tonight. It is any number of nights. But my loneliness is not the only thing that triggers my desire to have this person in my life again. It's wanting to talk about everything in nothing in the same conversation. It's wanting to welcome silence rather than be afraid of it. It's wanting to voice fears and excitements that I cannot tell anyone else. It's wanting to be fully comfortable again, preferring to sit in the "presence" of this person than do anything else.

And if you're reading this, and I'm positive you will eventually... I'm very sad we can't talk anymore. I wish you could understand. I wish you wouldn't think the worst of me. I wish you wouldn't think that I am capable of manipulating you because I'm just not. I wish you needed me to talk to as much as I need you.

Anyway, for those of you who are reading this and are becoming less interested by the word because I'm not talking to you anymore, I apologize, but this one sided conversation is important. It will be sleep saving... at least for tonight.