So Amy and I got home today. It took one 6-hour day (stopped in Carlin, NV) then a 12.5-hour day (stopped in North Platte, NE) then a 14-hour day (stopped in Maumee, OH) and then 8 hours today. During the drive it came out from Dallas that he cheated on me. He made out with (on two separate occasions) the family friend in Sacramento that he hung out with fairly consistently when he first moved there and he supposedly did God knows what with some chick in southern California when he was there visiting friends the weekend before he helped me move my things to Folsom.
Now... imagine how this makes me feel. Like shit. So I retaliate with some very nasty words about how his own guilt and self loathing were what ruined our relationship and that he was just like his father. To which he responded with some extremely hateful and untruthful comments (ie that I was a "filthy whore"). At least what I said was true.
So now I just sit around crying randomly because I just do not understand a few things.
How could he cheat on me? He claims he's never cheated on anyone before in his life, so why me? Was I not cute enough? Was she just THAT cute? Had I done something wrong and he was retaliating? Was he just generally unhappy with the relationship? If so, why did he keep it going for as long as he did? Did he even love me? If he did, why didn't he love me enough to stay faithful to me? Why would he tell me he wanted to marry me if he was still fantasizing about other women - and following through with those fantasies? Why did he lie about it when I told him on multiple occasions that I thought cheating could be dealt with if you loved someone unconditionally?
How could I love someone so unconditionally who was so quick to put conditions on his love for me? I had to always be steady, I could never lose my temper. I could never get irritated about anything. I always had to take the blame for our arguments. I could never be stressed or hurting or sad because that just made being "the good guy" too hard for him.
Why did he take advantage of me? Why did he look at everything I gave him - my entire SELF - and spit on it with infidelity? Why can't he take responsibility for the wrong things he did to me? Why can't he apologize WITHOUT an excuse for his actions?! (ie. "i'm truly very sorry. DESPITE YOUR HURTFUL COMMENTS, you didn't deserve that," or "I'm sorry I'm dumping this on you, but I just thought you'd be the only one who might care," or "just for the record, I never slept with emily. we just made out two different times when we were drunk and THAT'S IT.") I don't care if I said hurtful thing or if you think I can and I DEFINITELY do NOT care that you were drunk. YOU STILL DID THOSE THINGS! TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR THEM!!!!
What the hell is wrong with me? Why aren't I good enough? Why is my love too overwhelming? When do I get to meet the man who is as passionate about me as I am about him? When do I get my happy ending? Do I?
Meh. I feel like I'm 15 again dwelling on a boy who hurt me and acting like a friggen martyr. I promise you I'll be back to normal soon and I'll stop just dumping this pity party all over the internet. But for right now I feel really bad for myself and I feel very pessimistic about the likelihood of finding a decent, loving man who I have something in common with.
*sigh*
Good night.
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