East coast

So I found out lst night that my middle sister for all of her unsufferble attitude apparently wishes I would move home to the east coast. This is pretty much the biggest shock I've had in quite some time. Normally I'd be peeved. I just don't think my family quite understnds how much I love it in Arizona. I've made a great life for myself. I have a great career that I love. I have a house that I can't just walk away from now. I love the weather.

And yet gaining this knowledge didn't annoy me. It touched me. Who knew my absense has as big of an affect on my fmily as it does on me. Obviously I miss them terribly when I'm gone. Obviously it's hard to hear about when they're all together for some random weekend. But who knew they miss me just as terribly on those random weekends? They have each other. It never occured to me that I'd be missed.

And I think even though I love Arizona that maybe it's still not exactly where I belong. I want to love in a place where the majority of the people think like me. Jess and Tommy live in high-powered Hoeboken, NJ where everyone is trying to find their place in the big city across the river. My mom...well she's just amazing and could make nywhere work but she's most at home in New England. The people in Maine are frugal and not showy. They're grounded and outdoorsy and just a little bit crunchy. I don't belong either of those places. I'm not bound for a high powered executive life. I'm definitely NOT crunchy or frugal and I'm much to showy for New England.

But I'm too educated for Arizona. I have yet to find my intellectual equal. And I'm talking strictly in a potential partner. The emphasis on higher education is a joke. "Oh I suppose I'll TRY college, but who really cares if I finish or not?" Unbelievable. "Oh I ran out of money." The federal government provides money in those cases. "Oh it's not that big of a deal. I can get a good job without a degree." Wow. Excuses. Excuse after lame excuse and why do we end up with? A state full of service workers. And the imports take all the high powered positions.

So do I really fit in in Arizona either? What if this isn't where I'm supposed to be either? I feel like the east coast is too classic for me but the west coast is generally too...under educated...for me.

So where to then? Austin? Too far from the ocean. San Diego? Maybe but would the same phenomenon be there? Reno? Too cold. San Fransisco? Never been so who knows. Maybe DC? I could carve a spot for myself there maybe. But GOD I would hate winter and spring.

*sigh* so here I am. Up for an hour or more at 3 am wondering where I belong. Great.

wonderful

Well, I officially feel wonderful about my life. I'm in beautiful Maine at the beach and I am OFFICIALLY ecstatic that I am out of my relationship with David. No more jealousy, no more missing him, just pure elation that I'm not with someone like him anymore.

Good luck, Dave, you'll need it if you continue down this path you're on right now.

Oh, and maybe Shea should move OUT of her boyfriend's apartment before you start dating her. Just a thought.

Hah!

: ) It's not even like a bitterness either. I'm not spiteful or anything, I'm just... glad. Glad that I don't have to deal with the drama. Glad that I'm not around people as irresponsible as he is. Glad that I can find a nurturer instead of a leech this time.

So happy day. Now it's almost time for the beach! :-D Pictures to come.

Jealousy

I think i've got it figured out. I'm not sure if it will help, but I'm hoping writing it will help. It's 5:30 in the morning and I don't think I've slept more than a few hours tonight. Elizabeth told me David and Shea (whoever she is) stayed at joaquin's after going out last night and that she wa left alone all cozy on the couch while they both went to work. I don't know why this upset me so much, but it did.

So I started to think. Why is this really upsetting me? I feel like my mind is a projector sometimes. I merely have to project certain memories for myself to elicit certain emotions. For example the memories of David I have that mak me miss him most are from when we first started dating. And I think, "why do I dwell on THOSE memories?" so then I try to think of why we broke up to begin with and I picture his attitude that final night. I picture the way he acted every weekend around his friends. And it makes me understand that I know without a shadow of a doubt that we weren't mean to be together and three never wouldve worked.

So why am I up at 5:30 am dwelling on it? I think it's because I have a huge problem with rejection and I want the exact thing that I can't have. This explains why I get so put out by a man who throws himself at my feet. And it also explains why I'm so frustrated and hurt by David finding someone so quickly after being rid of me. She's getting him in that first amazing month when he can't keep his hands off her and his eyes rarely leave her face. She's getting the eat of him right now an I'm pissed about it. Who the hell is she? Some 21 (maybe) year old student who has nothing better to do but spend all of her time with him because she doesn't work. Daddy probably pays for everything. But I'm being presumptuous. I do know shE doesn't have a job and she's a student. Anyway it's really not about er. I'm not jealous of her because I dot want her. I'm jealous of him for being able to jus put it all behing him so easily.

I told Elizabeth I was ready to see him. Single. Guess that's not going to happen anytime soon. The worst part about this whole thing is I can't get away from him! Elizabeth and Joaquin are attached at the hip and she's always getting information that I don't really want to hear. She's going to meet this girl and form an opion about her and I'm not going to want to know, but I'll ask her anyway. Because I'm masochistic. I wish this could be like John where it was a clean break. There weren't any mutual friends I felt compelled to keep. I didn't have the opportunity to hear about john's new girlfriend. But here, in this situation, I have a link. I have a best friend who is constantly getting information fom HIS best friend. And I don't want to know...but I do. I wan to know factually what she's like and what they're like because then I can't sit up hypothesizing about it. I can't paint the worst picture in my head.

I was too good for him. Not in a mean way I just was. He's happy living paycheck to paycheck and partying an spelling once "ounce". He's ignorant and he doesn't care. I can't put my phone down because I LIKE to constantly learn. Elizabeth says I need a mantra for when I start thinking about him. Her suggestion was, "David didn't treat me right. I shouldn't waste my time thinking about him." I'll try it and we'll see.

I think I've thought it through enough to ge back to sleep...for a few hours at least.

p.s. I hope she's enjoying her minute and a half romps with him. Hah!