wonderful

Well, I officially feel wonderful about my life. I'm in beautiful Maine at the beach and I am OFFICIALLY ecstatic that I am out of my relationship with David. No more jealousy, no more missing him, just pure elation that I'm not with someone like him anymore.

Good luck, Dave, you'll need it if you continue down this path you're on right now.

Oh, and maybe Shea should move OUT of her boyfriend's apartment before you start dating her. Just a thought.

Hah!

: ) It's not even like a bitterness either. I'm not spiteful or anything, I'm just... glad. Glad that I don't have to deal with the drama. Glad that I'm not around people as irresponsible as he is. Glad that I can find a nurturer instead of a leech this time.

So happy day. Now it's almost time for the beach! :-D Pictures to come.

Jealousy

I think i've got it figured out. I'm not sure if it will help, but I'm hoping writing it will help. It's 5:30 in the morning and I don't think I've slept more than a few hours tonight. Elizabeth told me David and Shea (whoever she is) stayed at joaquin's after going out last night and that she wa left alone all cozy on the couch while they both went to work. I don't know why this upset me so much, but it did.

So I started to think. Why is this really upsetting me? I feel like my mind is a projector sometimes. I merely have to project certain memories for myself to elicit certain emotions. For example the memories of David I have that mak me miss him most are from when we first started dating. And I think, "why do I dwell on THOSE memories?" so then I try to think of why we broke up to begin with and I picture his attitude that final night. I picture the way he acted every weekend around his friends. And it makes me understand that I know without a shadow of a doubt that we weren't mean to be together and three never wouldve worked.

So why am I up at 5:30 am dwelling on it? I think it's because I have a huge problem with rejection and I want the exact thing that I can't have. This explains why I get so put out by a man who throws himself at my feet. And it also explains why I'm so frustrated and hurt by David finding someone so quickly after being rid of me. She's getting him in that first amazing month when he can't keep his hands off her and his eyes rarely leave her face. She's getting the eat of him right now an I'm pissed about it. Who the hell is she? Some 21 (maybe) year old student who has nothing better to do but spend all of her time with him because she doesn't work. Daddy probably pays for everything. But I'm being presumptuous. I do know shE doesn't have a job and she's a student. Anyway it's really not about er. I'm not jealous of her because I dot want her. I'm jealous of him for being able to jus put it all behing him so easily.

I told Elizabeth I was ready to see him. Single. Guess that's not going to happen anytime soon. The worst part about this whole thing is I can't get away from him! Elizabeth and Joaquin are attached at the hip and she's always getting information that I don't really want to hear. She's going to meet this girl and form an opion about her and I'm not going to want to know, but I'll ask her anyway. Because I'm masochistic. I wish this could be like John where it was a clean break. There weren't any mutual friends I felt compelled to keep. I didn't have the opportunity to hear about john's new girlfriend. But here, in this situation, I have a link. I have a best friend who is constantly getting information fom HIS best friend. And I don't want to know...but I do. I wan to know factually what she's like and what they're like because then I can't sit up hypothesizing about it. I can't paint the worst picture in my head.

I was too good for him. Not in a mean way I just was. He's happy living paycheck to paycheck and partying an spelling once "ounce". He's ignorant and he doesn't care. I can't put my phone down because I LIKE to constantly learn. Elizabeth says I need a mantra for when I start thinking about him. Her suggestion was, "David didn't treat me right. I shouldn't waste my time thinking about him." I'll try it and we'll see.

I think I've thought it through enough to ge back to sleep...for a few hours at least.

p.s. I hope she's enjoying her minute and a half romps with him. Hah!

Break ups

So... I think I've discovered exactly why my most recent break ups have been so hard. First of all I'm with these men that are not at all what I want long term. They're self centered, childish, and they're not going anywhere in life. I, on the other hand, I am going places. And I do not want to be the primary provider for my family. OH! And yes, I want a family.

So I date these guys that don't meet any of the standards I have for a lifelong partner. Maybe thinking that I can change them? Maybe hoping that being with me will motivate them to improve themselves? But, no. Instead they get lazy. I paid for EVERYTHING with John and David now owes me $20! Oh for crying out loud.

And then it's the best part. Then they buckle under the weight of my expectations. They know I'm too good for them. That I treated them better than anyone, that they had it easy with me but with that ease came my daunting expectations. So then I make their lives shit - at least emotionally. I'm grumpy and sarcastic and obnoxious. So they get sock of that. And who could blame them? So then they pull away and they push me away and then before I'm ready I snap because I can't handle being treated so crappy. I can't handle not being appreciated. I can't handle NOT trusting the person I'm with to care about me despite - or because of - my flaws. So I snap HOPING that they'll come running after me. They'll have this huge epiphany that they loved having me in their lives and they can't handle the thought of not having me there.

But they don't.

And then it gets to the point that it's not about wanting them back. It's about wanting them to want me back.

So I need to stop being so selfish and vain and understand that despite the fact that I pour myself into these relationships, I've reached my breaking point and I don't want them in my life. I need to be - once again - the bigger person. I need to pray for that strength I think.

*sigh* so, David, if you can't grow up and be a man instead of a child and treat me with respect that's fine. I'm better off without you. If you want to drink your life away and make out with slutty girls with fake boobs in a teeny bikini and high heels, please, I'm DEFINITELY better off without that kind of person in my life. Just because you don't want me doesn't mean no one will. And SOMEDAY I will find that perfect balance.

I will find the person that is as into me as I am into them an vice versa.

Period.

Head up. It'll be ok.

visit

Clearly I like crying these days.

Rather than timing it so that I didn't have to see him, I decided I could handle it and went to John's tonight to drop off the Christmas Tree, the Bullshit episodes and his copy of Into the Wild (a great book AND movie, by the way).

So I call him after dinner, tell him I'm in Tempe and want to just drop off the stuff to get rid of it, which I did want to do...it's been in my backseat since... well yesterday.

Anyway, so I get there, purposefully park outside the entrance (where you're not supposed to park) so that I will HAVE to leave. I walk up the stairs, let myself in, as usual. And there he is. Just leaning against the couch all relaxed and casual.

"Hey," he says.

"Hi," I say back, unable to look at him. I set the box with the tree and stuff in it on the ground as he makes his way closer to me. I busy myself by getting a plastic bag from above the refrigerator... where I know they will be. Open the freezer, take out my ice cream. My heart is racing, my hands are shaking. I can feel him watching me. He says something about finding a shot thingy. He's got all my stuff piled together at the end of the counter. He wants to get rid of me, rid his living space of me.

I pack the ice cream in one bag, the other things (including two necklaces, a pair of earrings, one miscellaneous earring whose mate it somewhere in the apartment, and the jigger) in another bag.

"I'll walk you out," he says.

"Fuck," I think. "'Bye," I say to everyone else in the apartment.

I walk quickly down the stairs, unlock the car doors, toss my things in the passenger seat, close the door and turn to look at him.

"Can I at least have a hug?" he asks.

I shrug. I cover my face and say, "I'm shaking right now." I'm struggling not to cry is more like it.

I don't feel him next to me until his arms are around me. I'm trying so hard not to sob right now it hurts. We stand there for a second and then he lets go. I ask him if he knows how hard it was waiting for his call on Sunday, knowing what he was going to say.

"I didn't even know what I was going to say," he says.

"Yea, but I did." He just looks at me. I look at the ground. "What made you decide then?"

"Talking to you," he says, still looking at me intently. "It didn't seem like you wanted to date me anymore."

"I don't want to date someone who won't compromise."

He shrugs. "Can I at least have a hug?"

We embrace, my arms over his shoulders, one of his hands on my lower back pulling me closer to him gently, the other on the bare skin right below the nape of my neck. This is always how we stand when we know it's going to be a long hug. He strokes my skin and I put my face in his neck. It so fucking comforting.

"I'm sorry," he says.

"Me too."

We release each other...but I don't know who released who first. I want to know what I could've done differently. I tell him that no matter what he says, I'll always think it was me.

"What, cause you were great? 'Cause you weren't terrible to me?" he says.

Coulda fooled me the last couple of weeks...what with my nagging and being mad all the time and yelling all the time. I say this to him.

"Yea, you nagged me, so what?"

"At least I augmented my nagging with...steak dinners, bottles of wine...you know."

We laugh. Okay, not really laugh. We smirk and snicker a little. I doubt we could throw our heads back in glee right now.

"You can always call me, you know?"

"Yea, but you know I won't," I say like I really mean it... God I wish I did.

"Fine, be that way," he says. Could that be pain? Could that be hurt driving that sarcastic comment?

"I just can't rely on you anymore, John, I just can't," I say, not really catching the hurt, thinking only that he's trying to lighten the mood. As if it can be lightened.

We talk about my move. He insists that he'll help like he said he would. I don't know how to tell him I can't accept his help anymore. That I can barely stand here with him not crying, much less spend a day with him, sweating, probably laughing and ultimately relying on him to be the big, strong man to help me move the things I can't move on my own.

We hug again at some point. I'm not sure when, but it's another long one, more skin stroking, more struggling on my part not to cry. He asks into my ear when I'm leaving, tells me to take pictures for him. I tell him I'll visit a lighthouse for him. This just about breaks my heart.

And finally I say, "My ice cream is melting," and sneak by him to get into the driver's side. Our first kiss happened next to this car. Now our last moments are happening, too.

I turn on the car, put it in drive, put the e-brake down and start to buckle myself in when I break down. I start sobbing. He's not even up the stairs yet. I can't move. My hand is frozen mid-air. My shoulders shake, the moans escaping from me me are low and mourning. Then I throw my head back and start almost screaming. Why do I feel like I'm losing my best friend and the man I love all in one? Why do I feel like I'm mourning this great loss, this thing that will never be replaced?

Finally, I pull myself together enough to finish buckling myself. I grab my phone, click on Megan and take my foot off the brake. As I'm pulling away, the only thing holding me together is Megan's calming, "I know honey, I know it sucks."

Sobbing I say, "Now I don't have any reason at all to see him!" Of all things, this is what's on my mind, a reason to need to see him. Now we each have all of our things back, there's no reason to call him up and say, "Oh hey, you forgot such and such, I'll just drop it by." There's nothing requiring him to want to see me. There's nothing giving me a reason to see him. Fuck. This is the worst realization of the night. Even beyond knowing that asking for a hug was for him, not for me. He wanted to touch me. He wanted to be close to me. And I wanted it to, goddamn it.

Half way home, Megan is tired of listening to me be upset so I let her go to sleep. And I think, "Why can't he just be an asshole?"

So, idiot that I am, sends a text: "Why can't you just be mean so I can stay mad instead of crying all the way home."

No response. My tears are sporadic. My fits come in short little bursts of agony. When will this stop? When will I be able to look at myself in the mirror and not cry? When will I be able to tell someone I just ended a relationship without tears welling up in my eyes?

Does he feel this? Does this faze him? Is he hurting? Does he miss me? Does he wish he could be different for me? Does he wish I could be different for him?

When will life go back to normal?

deleted picture blog

Thought I'd explain why I deleted the picture blog. I've been watching Penn and Teller's Bullshit and I just watched an episode where a girl was fired from Delta for posting un-flattering pictures of herself on her blog. Clearly, I do not want that to happen, so for those of you who saw it, congrats. For those of you who didn't, sorry, but I want to keep my job and God knows anyone can find this stuff on the internet.

By the way, Meg suggested that the acne comment could have been some asshole searching around on blogger. But here's my thought, yea I looked like shit in those pictures, but my acne wasn't like glaring, so I'm still convinced that it had to have been someone looking for a way to insult me, and to do it anonymous is just so cowardly it would only have been one person. At least I'm 99% convinced it was this person. And, really? It's been a year, shouldn't he have better things to do with his time? Guess not. Lame.

annonymous comment

Good morning! It's 4am and why am I awake? Well, cause I'm not sleeping. But that's not the point of this blog.

Periodically during the night I wake up and check my e-mail...cause it's there, it's something to do when I can't sleep, etc.

Tonight I woke up and I had a comment (that I chose not to publish) on my previous entry that said, "nice acne." Posted anonymously.

Now, three guesses who would post such an asshole comment.

1. John, but I don't really want to believe that he'd do that. Sure, the last post was directed at him, but surely he understands that I was hurt, right?
2. Someone who's close to John and is more concerned about his best interests than mine, but I doubt they read this blog, though John could've pointed them to it.
3. Paul.

Because lets face it, who else who reads this blog would have a malicious thing to say to me after that post? After the last three posts? Who, but someone who continuously wants to hurt me?

Seriously?

What an asshole.

At least send it with your identity. C'MON! Grow up. You can't even say something mean with your name attached?

Anyway, what only Megan - and the few other people who called me yesterday to make sure I was okay - know is that that post was really the only thing that was keeping me laughing yesterday.

Why? Because it's ridiculous! But I left it up, cause looking at it made me laugh and I needed to laugh.

And your "nice acne" comment is NOT going to take that away from me. Shit head...whoever you are...can't even own up to your own insult.

Anyway, I thought those of you who know I deserve better, those of you who care about me would appreciate that. I know I did.

*sigh* I feel a little better.

picture

I think the picture to your left is incredibly artistic. It captures real emotion. It's off center, it wasn't posed. I just kept snapping pictures this night when I was crying.

Paul, if you're reading this, which I'm not even sure of anymore, you're not the only one who can inflict this kind of pain on me. Hah!

Anyway, Paul has seen this before, haven't you? You made me cry like this, didn't you? You made me feel like I was nothing. Like there was something more important than me. And I see now, thanks to my most recent pain, that she wasn't what was more important. YOU were more important to you than I was.

Thanks, John, for opening my eyes to that. It helps...a little.

But it still begs the question... why was I not important enough, worthy enough, to put before yourself?

I put both of you before me and look where it got me...nowhere. Dumped and in pain and alone.

But Mark... and Kevin... they loved me. They would have done anything for me. And I walked all over them.

Maybe that's the problem. No relationship will ever work if one party is more "into" the other.


It always has to be a level playing field... doesn't it?

Oh well.

Maybe next time.

Or do I just need to be alone... like John?

Bets that he'll be with someone new when I get back from traveling?

It's not me. It's you. Right?