picture

I think the picture to your left is incredibly artistic. It captures real emotion. It's off center, it wasn't posed. I just kept snapping pictures this night when I was crying.

Paul, if you're reading this, which I'm not even sure of anymore, you're not the only one who can inflict this kind of pain on me. Hah!

Anyway, Paul has seen this before, haven't you? You made me cry like this, didn't you? You made me feel like I was nothing. Like there was something more important than me. And I see now, thanks to my most recent pain, that she wasn't what was more important. YOU were more important to you than I was.

Thanks, John, for opening my eyes to that. It helps...a little.

But it still begs the question... why was I not important enough, worthy enough, to put before yourself?

I put both of you before me and look where it got me...nowhere. Dumped and in pain and alone.

But Mark... and Kevin... they loved me. They would have done anything for me. And I walked all over them.

Maybe that's the problem. No relationship will ever work if one party is more "into" the other.


It always has to be a level playing field... doesn't it?

Oh well.

Maybe next time.

Or do I just need to be alone... like John?

Bets that he'll be with someone new when I get back from traveling?

It's not me. It's you. Right?

getting dumped

So. Tonight I got dumped. And I got the its-not-you-its-me speech. It was fantastic.

I've been drinking since 3pm. And now I have a headache from crying.

I went to the pool. That didn't help.

I changed my picture on facebook to reflect my mood. That pic of me all happy and cute just wasn't cutting it.

So here I am. At home. Horrible company for anyone. Especially the ones I love. Apparently.

Now what?

wearing heels

So in the past month I have had more complaints about me wearing heels than I think I ever had. First a girl with her boyfriend walking by me in a grocery store rudely says (not out of earshot), "That girl should NOT be wearing heels!" Then, I find out that after visiting my little sister's work one of her coworkers found it ridiculous that I wore heels and informed my little sister as such. Finally, today I got an e-mail on okcupid from some greek dude who wanted to know why - at 6'2" - I wanted to wear heels and wasn't I tall enough already?

SO frustrating!

So okay people here it is, my reasons for wearing heels. Imagine you put two women next to each other, both the same exact height flatfooted. Now, put them both in a knee length skirt. Finally, put one of them in flat shoes and one of them in heels. Who looks more professional, more put together and ultimately, sexier? The chick in the heels. Why? Because her legs are elongated and it's been common practice for YEARS that a business women wear some sort of heel, especially with a skirt,

Okay, there's my reason one, in heels I look more professional, more confident, etc etc.

Next reason. Now, yes, I'm 6'2" and yes, I am quite tall enough on my own. However, I also have four feet of leg. And four feet of leg looks damn good in three inch heels. Stick me in three inch heels next to a girl who is 5'3" in three inch heels. Who are you going to notice first? Most likely me. Now imagine me in a miniskirt and you've got a walking bombshell. Am I right? Of course I'm right because I KNOW how it works when I wear heels, I know how people respond to me when I wear heels.

My final reason, for all you men, for all you women, look at the flat shoes options out there for women. Pretty friggen limited. So why am I NOT allowed to wear all the cute heels that are out there JUST because I'm taller than most people? Huh? HUH? It doesn't make sense! Why am I supposed to limit my fashion choice because SOME people think I shouldn't wear heels just because I'm already tall.

It's ridiculous. Some people wear heels for the height. I wear heels for the way they make my legs look, the way I stand out even more when I wear them and because... GOD... they're WAY cuter and more common than flat shoes!

So that's my rant for the day, hope you enjoyed. Here's a pic of my new favorite pair of heels.





<3

A Change of Scenery

So I was getting sick of how dark my page is, so I'm slowly changing it to something... different. This layout that I'm using today is just a lighter version of the one I was using before, so enjoy, until I switch it up again and REALLY freak you out.

I also added a picture and some more information about myself, though if you're reading this you probably already know me so you don't need all that information, but I edited it anyway. I hope you all enjoy the new look, let me know if there's something I can change to make your reading experience easier!

<3

I love Frost

So, I absolutely love this poem. And it reminds me of my life a little bit. Moving to Arizona? Almost a full continent away from my parents? Probably the road least traveled. But I did it, and in the words of Frost, "...that has made all the difference." So here it is, in it's full glory:

The Road Not Taken
Robert Frost

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Good morning to you all.

<3

What do I deserve?

Well kiddos. It's 1am and I can't sleep. Shall we all take one giant guess WHY? If you guessed a boy, you'd be correct, ** ding ding ding **

I've been crying for the last hour trying to figure out exactly why I am with a person who can tell me at 9pm that they will call me after they're done doing a very specific activity. Much to my dismay I woke up at midnight (already knowing he'd be asleep) with no phone call, no text message, NOTHING.

Now, a one time thing, sure, that's okay, I would be upset but not utterly destroyed like I was tonight. Why, you ask? Because this is a reoccurring theme in this relationship. SO reoccurring, in fact that it just happened a mere two nights ago when the same thing happened. "Call you after the movie," only to find out he really meant, "Call you after two movies, time spent with a friend, and potentially after any reasonable bedtime that you may have had."

So what the fuck, right? All of you have been telling me I deserve better. I just wanted so badly for this person to be everything I wanted, everything I needed... and he is! But I also want someone to feel the same way about me. And he doesn't.

Clearly or how could he crawl into bed... a bed I was just in last night and NOT remember that he said he'd call? How could he not remember me? What it was like to have me there the night before... for fuck sake THIS MORNING... how could he forget about that? And about me? And what it's like when I'm around? I just don't understand.

How can I be so forgettable? So unimportant? So insignificant?

I've got a migraine from crying? I still don't think I'll be able to sleep and I really don't want to go through another day doubled over with stomach pain. This is awful.

I beat myself up enough, emotionally. I don't need the person I love doing it too.

upgrade

I'm sitting in the D concourse at the airport in Atlanta and just decided to upgrade my seat to business class for the long three hour trip home to Phoenix. Otherwise the only isle seat was in the absolute LAST row of the plane...not my idea of fun. So now I'm feeling pretty good about my trip home. A nice big comfy leather seat, extra leg room (always a plus), and...wait for it...complimentary cocktails!! Hooray for business class.

So here I am thinking about all the upgrading I've been doing in my own life. I've upgraded my expectations of myself. I bought a house. I upgraded my living situation... also by buying a house. I've upgraded my self worth, my self esteem, my love of life. All of it.

I've upgraded myself and I love it. A lot of you may not know but I've lost over 20 pounds since the middle of March. I've been really dedicated to making myself better. I go to the gym at least three times a week, most of the time more, I eat right, I'm getting my back fixed by a chiropractor. I feel like I've been upgraded and I have only myself to thank.

So hooray for me too!!

Thanks, guys, for reading.

trip home

I'm sitting in my parents' living room on the last night of my 10-day-long visit to Maryland and I'm kinda reflecting on how everything went this week. I got here late on Saturday and was immediately unhappy about how fricken humid it is here and that I missed helping my littlest sister get ready for prom. From there the week kinda went downhill.

The next day I somehow managed to put my middle sister in tears by telling her to take advantage of my mother's generosity when they went to K-Mart to "stock up," which basically means my mother (before any new year at college or moving into a new house at all) takes us to a grocery store and a store like K-Mart and buys us the essentials, like toilet paper, shampoo, deodorant, etc. By my saying that she should take advantage I SOMEHOW managed to come across as critical. I'm still not sure how I did it, but after we'd all calmed down I apologized and tried to explain that I had not meant to be critical at all, but more like understanding and commiserating. So that sucked.

This was after (by the way) my mother thought it was necessary to call me out on my acne. Now, people, I have been working my ass off to eat healthy to lose weight and those of you that see me on a day to day basis may not notice, but my acne has only gotten worse as I've eaten healthier and lost weight. So this is how she approached this.

We're sitting at the kitchen table, I'm eating cereal, she's reading the newspaper, and we're chatting about nothing in particular. All of a sudden she's leans back, pushes the newspaper away and crosses her arms over her chest and says, "Can you tell me why, if you've been eating healthy and improving your health, why does you face look so bad?" How does one react to such a question?? How can I first address the whole my-face-looks-bad-?? part only to turn around and express my frustration that it doesn't make anymore sense to me than it does to her?

So that sucked.

Anyway. So generally these little things kept happening. I put my middle sister in tears again, maybe even a couple more times, she made me cry, my mom yelled at me, told me I should apologize more than once to whoever I'D upset, but did I get apologized to? Oh hell no. 

I hate to just sit here and complain, but the week didn't get good until I drove down to Virginia and saw Ms. Megan. We went out and had a blast, didn't get to bed until after 5 am, and then went shopping on Saturday. And then John and I talked for over an hour about various things. It was a great conversation and I'm really excited to go home.

I miss Arizona. And I cannot even tell you how AWESOME that is. I've never EVER lived somewhere that I missed when I was away because of the weather! It's so fricken humid here, I have felt stickier and hotter in the last week than I did in 109 degree weather in Phoenix. Also, I realized this weekend that I'm a Phoenician... which is just an AWESOME word! So it's totally cool that I am one. Hah!

Anyway, I had to rant, and reflect and let those people who I'm thinking about know that I'm thinking about them, though they may not know for like a month or so since no one checks this regularly since I don't WRITE regularly. I should set a daily alarm or something to make myself sit down and write. It's so cathartic.

Ok, 'night.