Wow. All I've done on this thing lately is complain.
Maybe I should stop posting until I'm more emotionally stable.
I dunno. It's still cathartic.
Blegh.
Have to drive to the airport at 4:45 am.
Good night.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Breakup: Day 6
I went out last night. I even gave a guy my phone number. But I won't respond to him. I have no interest. I literally bawled the whole way home to Jason. I'm not ready for human interaction. I looked at every man in the God forsaken bar and thought, "Not even close."
What the hell?
And tonight is even harder cause I haven't been drinking so I'm sitting around wondering what the hell he's doing with his life. Anything? Probably not.
I've come to the realization that he was actually a lot like Mark. He was just sitting around waiting for life to happen. The biggest initiative I saw him take the entire time we were together was approaching me at the bar. Driving out to me in AZ is a close second, but the risks were a lot lower I think for that than they were when he first walked up to me. Ever since then he's just been sitting still watching things happen to him.
That's why I have no fear that he will ever find this blog. First of all, he'd never know where to look. It's like the words easy to use don't apply to him. He doesn't use his powers of reasoning or deduction very well, especially when it comes to the internet. He knows generally what it's supposed to do, but he likes change even less than I do, so he was using shitty Road Runner email...and fought me on changing to gmail...and then I introduced him to Facebook, but he really has no idea why he needs it, what the point is, or what information he can glean from it. And that's really the only place that my blog is listed. Unless you're my sister...who follows me, but I doubt she actually reads it.
Anyway. Writing is and always has been cathartic for me. I feel much better now. I don't feel like calling him anymore and I don't really want to think about what he may or may not be doing with whoever. Honestly...going along with the "letting-life-happen-to-me" theory...he's probably at his parents house watching crap on TV drinking beer and hating himself. And he's probably playing poker. Or he's pissed off so he's at a bar alone.
Ah well. I just want to stop worrying about it!
Good night.
What the hell?
And tonight is even harder cause I haven't been drinking so I'm sitting around wondering what the hell he's doing with his life. Anything? Probably not.
I've come to the realization that he was actually a lot like Mark. He was just sitting around waiting for life to happen. The biggest initiative I saw him take the entire time we were together was approaching me at the bar. Driving out to me in AZ is a close second, but the risks were a lot lower I think for that than they were when he first walked up to me. Ever since then he's just been sitting still watching things happen to him.
That's why I have no fear that he will ever find this blog. First of all, he'd never know where to look. It's like the words easy to use don't apply to him. He doesn't use his powers of reasoning or deduction very well, especially when it comes to the internet. He knows generally what it's supposed to do, but he likes change even less than I do, so he was using shitty Road Runner email...and fought me on changing to gmail...and then I introduced him to Facebook, but he really has no idea why he needs it, what the point is, or what information he can glean from it. And that's really the only place that my blog is listed. Unless you're my sister...who follows me, but I doubt she actually reads it.
Anyway. Writing is and always has been cathartic for me. I feel much better now. I don't feel like calling him anymore and I don't really want to think about what he may or may not be doing with whoever. Honestly...going along with the "letting-life-happen-to-me" theory...he's probably at his parents house watching crap on TV drinking beer and hating himself. And he's probably playing poker. Or he's pissed off so he's at a bar alone.
Ah well. I just want to stop worrying about it!
Good night.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Breakup: Day 4
So Amy and I got home today. It took one 6-hour day (stopped in Carlin, NV) then a 12.5-hour day (stopped in North Platte, NE) then a 14-hour day (stopped in Maumee, OH) and then 8 hours today. During the drive it came out from Dallas that he cheated on me. He made out with (on two separate occasions) the family friend in Sacramento that he hung out with fairly consistently when he first moved there and he supposedly did God knows what with some chick in southern California when he was there visiting friends the weekend before he helped me move my things to Folsom.
Now... imagine how this makes me feel. Like shit. So I retaliate with some very nasty words about how his own guilt and self loathing were what ruined our relationship and that he was just like his father. To which he responded with some extremely hateful and untruthful comments (ie that I was a "filthy whore"). At least what I said was true.
So now I just sit around crying randomly because I just do not understand a few things.
How could he cheat on me? He claims he's never cheated on anyone before in his life, so why me? Was I not cute enough? Was she just THAT cute? Had I done something wrong and he was retaliating? Was he just generally unhappy with the relationship? If so, why did he keep it going for as long as he did? Did he even love me? If he did, why didn't he love me enough to stay faithful to me? Why would he tell me he wanted to marry me if he was still fantasizing about other women - and following through with those fantasies? Why did he lie about it when I told him on multiple occasions that I thought cheating could be dealt with if you loved someone unconditionally?
How could I love someone so unconditionally who was so quick to put conditions on his love for me? I had to always be steady, I could never lose my temper. I could never get irritated about anything. I always had to take the blame for our arguments. I could never be stressed or hurting or sad because that just made being "the good guy" too hard for him.
Why did he take advantage of me? Why did he look at everything I gave him - my entire SELF - and spit on it with infidelity? Why can't he take responsibility for the wrong things he did to me? Why can't he apologize WITHOUT an excuse for his actions?! (ie. "i'm truly very sorry. DESPITE YOUR HURTFUL COMMENTS, you didn't deserve that," or "I'm sorry I'm dumping this on you, but I just thought you'd be the only one who might care," or "just for the record, I never slept with emily. we just made out two different times when we were drunk and THAT'S IT.") I don't care if I said hurtful thing or if you think I can and I DEFINITELY do NOT care that you were drunk. YOU STILL DID THOSE THINGS! TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR THEM!!!!
What the hell is wrong with me? Why aren't I good enough? Why is my love too overwhelming? When do I get to meet the man who is as passionate about me as I am about him? When do I get my happy ending? Do I?
Meh. I feel like I'm 15 again dwelling on a boy who hurt me and acting like a friggen martyr. I promise you I'll be back to normal soon and I'll stop just dumping this pity party all over the internet. But for right now I feel really bad for myself and I feel very pessimistic about the likelihood of finding a decent, loving man who I have something in common with.
*sigh*
Good night.
Now... imagine how this makes me feel. Like shit. So I retaliate with some very nasty words about how his own guilt and self loathing were what ruined our relationship and that he was just like his father. To which he responded with some extremely hateful and untruthful comments (ie that I was a "filthy whore"). At least what I said was true.
So now I just sit around crying randomly because I just do not understand a few things.
How could he cheat on me? He claims he's never cheated on anyone before in his life, so why me? Was I not cute enough? Was she just THAT cute? Had I done something wrong and he was retaliating? Was he just generally unhappy with the relationship? If so, why did he keep it going for as long as he did? Did he even love me? If he did, why didn't he love me enough to stay faithful to me? Why would he tell me he wanted to marry me if he was still fantasizing about other women - and following through with those fantasies? Why did he lie about it when I told him on multiple occasions that I thought cheating could be dealt with if you loved someone unconditionally?
How could I love someone so unconditionally who was so quick to put conditions on his love for me? I had to always be steady, I could never lose my temper. I could never get irritated about anything. I always had to take the blame for our arguments. I could never be stressed or hurting or sad because that just made being "the good guy" too hard for him.
Why did he take advantage of me? Why did he look at everything I gave him - my entire SELF - and spit on it with infidelity? Why can't he take responsibility for the wrong things he did to me? Why can't he apologize WITHOUT an excuse for his actions?! (ie. "i'm truly very sorry. DESPITE YOUR HURTFUL COMMENTS, you didn't deserve that," or "I'm sorry I'm dumping this on you, but I just thought you'd be the only one who might care," or "just for the record, I never slept with emily. we just made out two different times when we were drunk and THAT'S IT.") I don't care if I said hurtful thing or if you think I can and I DEFINITELY do NOT care that you were drunk. YOU STILL DID THOSE THINGS! TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR THEM!!!!
What the hell is wrong with me? Why aren't I good enough? Why is my love too overwhelming? When do I get to meet the man who is as passionate about me as I am about him? When do I get my happy ending? Do I?
Meh. I feel like I'm 15 again dwelling on a boy who hurt me and acting like a friggen martyr. I promise you I'll be back to normal soon and I'll stop just dumping this pity party all over the internet. But for right now I feel really bad for myself and I feel very pessimistic about the likelihood of finding a decent, loving man who I have something in common with.
*sigh*
Good night.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Breakup: Day 1
Dallas broke up with me today. He made the decision that we aren't a good match. Right not I'm mad but I've been through the gamat of emotions today.
Right now I'm mad that it only took him two weeks to give up on us completely. I spent more than $1200 moving my ass up here. I gave up my career for him. I gave up EVERYTHING for him and it took him only two weeks and two solid fights to detemine that "we're not compatible." What kind of bullshit is that?! What good is compatibility when you're not willing to work on the tough stuff?
So what did he do today? He drank and played poker and watched basketball. Surprise.
God I don't even know what to feel. He's going to cut me out completely. Never talk to me. What am I supposed to do then? My whole life is in shambles. Upside down. Inside out.
So Amy is coming tomorrow. We'll start the four day drive back east. He'll never swallow his pride long enough to come after me. I'll never see or hear from this man again. This man that I love so much. With my entire being. Everything that I am loves this man. And he thinks that we're incompatible. God it hurts so bad.
More in the days to come.
Right now I'm mad that it only took him two weeks to give up on us completely. I spent more than $1200 moving my ass up here. I gave up my career for him. I gave up EVERYTHING for him and it took him only two weeks and two solid fights to detemine that "we're not compatible." What kind of bullshit is that?! What good is compatibility when you're not willing to work on the tough stuff?
So what did he do today? He drank and played poker and watched basketball. Surprise.
God I don't even know what to feel. He's going to cut me out completely. Never talk to me. What am I supposed to do then? My whole life is in shambles. Upside down. Inside out.
So Amy is coming tomorrow. We'll start the four day drive back east. He'll never swallow his pride long enough to come after me. I'll never see or hear from this man again. This man that I love so much. With my entire being. Everything that I am loves this man. And he thinks that we're incompatible. God it hurts so bad.
More in the days to come.
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