The Road

2011-08-02T14:24:00.001-07:00

Momentary lapse in self confidence.

I'm already good enough. Better than good enough in fact.

The question is, who, if anyone, is smart enough to have figured that out?

It's not looking like anyone at the moment.

AH well.

2011-07-31T19:20:00.001-07:00

I miss uncensored conversation.

Can I have it back, please?

Am I good enough, yet?

2011-07-10T06:13:00.001-07:00

At Midway. I feel sick. I hate being here.

Movies

2011-07-06T20:36:00.002-07:00

Going the Distance = the worst movie for me to watch. Ever. For so many reasons.

Ingrid Michaelson - "Maybe"

2011-07-01T16:23:00.001-07:00

Maybe Lyrics

I don't wanna be the one to say, "Goodbye" but I will
I will
I will
I don't wanna sit on the pavement while you fly but I will
I will
Oh
Yes
I will

'Cause maybe in the future you're gonna come back
You're gonna come back around
Maybe in the future you're gonna come back
You're gonna come back
Oh
The only way to really know is to really let it go
Maybe you're gonna come back
You're gonna come back
You're gonna come back to me

I don't wanna be the first to let it go
Oh
But I know
I know
I know if you have the last hands that I want to hold
Then I know I've got to let them go

'Cause maybe in the future you're gonna come back
You're gonna come back around
Maybe in the future you're gonna come back
You're gonna come back
Oh
The only way to really know is to really let it go
Maybe you're gonna come back
You're gonna come back
You're gonna come back

I still feel you on the right side of the bed
And I still feel you in the blankets pulled over my head
And I'm gonna wash away
(I'm gonna wash away)
Oh
I'm gonna wash away everthing 'til you come home to me

Maybe in the future you're gonna come back
You're gonna come back in the future
You're gonna come back
You're gonna come back

'Cause maybe in the future you're gonna come back
You're gonna come back around
Maybe in the future you're gonna come back
You're gonna come back
Oh
The only way to really know is to really let it go

Maybe in the future you're gonna come back
(You're gonna come back)
You're gonna come back around
Maybe in the future you're gonna come back
(You're gonna come back)
You're gonna come back around
Oh
The only way to really know is to really let it go
(Maybe in the future you're gonna come back)
(You're gonna come back around)
Maybe you're gonna come back
(You're gonna come back)
You're gonna come back
You're gonna come back to me

Mmm
You're gonna come back to me
You're gonna come back to me

2011-07-01T16:07:00.000-07:00

"Light In Your Eyes" - Blessid Union of Souls

*my greatest fear*

I can't remember the last time that we kissed goodbye
All our "I love you's" were just not enough to survive
Something your eyes never told me
But it's only now too plain to see
Brilliant disguise when you hold me
And I'm free
I've been thinking and here's what I've come to conclude
Sometimes the distance is more than two people can use
But how could I have known girl
It was time and not space you would need
Darling tonight I could hold you and you would know
But would you believe

There's a light in your eyes that I used to see
There's a place in your heart where I used to be
Was I wrong to assume that you were waiting for me
There's a light in your eyes
Did you leave that light burning for me

Cards and phone calls and photograph pictures of you
Constant reminder of all the things you get used to
Is there a chance in hell or heaven
That there's still something here to build on
Or do you just pick up the pieces after they fall
But after all

There's a light in your eyes that I used to see
And a song in the words that you spoke to me
Was I wrong to believe in your melody
There's a light in your eyes
Did you leave that light burning for me

Should I keep on waiting or does love keep on fading away
Fading away

It's been a while since I've seen you so how have you been
Did you get my letter I wrote you, but I did not send
I tried to call your old number
But the voice that I heard on the phone
I recognized but she told me the number was wrong

There's a light in my eyes but it's too bright to see
And a pain in my heart where you used to be
Guess I was wrong to assume that you were waiting here for me
There's a light in your eyes
Did you leave that light burning for me

2011-06-28T21:45:00.000-07:00

I was so high I did not recognize
The fire burning in her eyes
The chaos that controlled my mind
Whispered goodbye and she got on a plane
Never to return again
But always in my heart

This love has taken it’s toll on me
She said goodbye too many times before
And her heart is breaking in front of me
I have no choice cause I won’t say goodbye anymore

I tried my best to feed her appetite
Keep her coming every night
So hard to keep her satisfied
Kept playing love like it was just a game
Pretending to feel the same
Then turn around and leave again

This love has taken it’s toll on me
She said goodbye too many times before
And her heart is breaking in front of me
I have no choice cause I won’t say goodbye anymore

I’ll fix these broken things
Repair your broken wings
And make sure everything’s alright
My pressure on her hips
Sinking my fingertips
Into every inch of you
Cause I know that’s what you want me to do

Boomerang

2011-06-26T19:50:00.001-07:00

Boomerang - Plain White T's

The fire was out
But then the phone rang.
And all of the heat came back again.
As much as I try
You're hard to resist
All that it takes is just one kiss

And I'm putty in your hands
I'm under your spell
You send me spinning

You pull me in close,You throw me away
I keep coming back like a boomerang.
You tell me to go,You beg me to stay.
I keep coming back like a boomerang
Around, around, around and back again.
Around, around, around and back again.

You're treating me like I'm your little toy
You tell me I'm not like other boys.
The next thing I know you toss me aside
You don't even bother with "Goodbye"s.

But when you say, "Hello"...I can't ignore you
You send me spinning.

You pull me in close, You throw me away
I keep coming back like a boomerang.

You tell me to go, You beg me to stay.
I keep coming back like a boomerang
Around, around, around and back again.
Around, around, around and back again
Around, around, around and back again.
Around, around, around and back again.

Boom, Boom, Boom
And now my heart is racing
Boom,Boom,Boom
And after you I'm chasing
Boom, Boom, Boom
You got to catch me when i fall.
You send me spinning

You pull me in close,You throw me away
I keep coming back like a boomerang.
You tell me to go,You beg me to stay.
I keep coming back like a boomerang
Around, around, around and back again.
Around, around, around and back again.
Around, around, around and back again.
Around, around, around and back again.

sigh

2011-06-22T19:24:00.001-07:00

Here we go again
I kinda wanna be more than friends
So take it easy on me
I'm afraid you're never satisfied.

Here we go again
We're sick like animals
We play pretend
You're just a cannibal

And I'm afraid I wont get out alive
No I won't sleep tonight

CHORUS:
Oh, oh
I want some more
Oh, oh
What are you waitin' for?
Take a bite of my heart tonight
Oh oh
I want some more
Oh oh
What are you waitin' for?
What are you waitin' for?
Say goodbye to my heart tonight

Here we are again
I feel the chemicals kickin' in
It's gettin' heavier
I wanna run and hide
I wanna run and hide

I do it every time
You're killin' me now
And I won't be denied by you
The animal inside of you

CHORUS:
Oh, oh
I want some more
Oh, oh
What are you waitin' for?
Take a bite of my heart tonight.
Oh oh
I want some more
Oh oh
What are you waitin' for?
What are you waitin' for?
Say goodbye to my heart tonight

Hush, hush
The world is quiet
Hush, hush
We both can't fight it
It's us that made this mess
Why can't you understand?
Whoa, I won't sleep tonight

I wont sleep tonight

Here we go again
Here we go again
Here we go again

CHORUS
Oh, oh
I want some more
Oh, oh
What are you waitin' for?
Take a bite of my heart tonight.
Oh oh
I want some more
Oh oh
What are you waitin' for?
What are you waitin' for?
Say goodbye to my heart tonight.

Oh, oh
I want some more
Oh, oh
What are you waitin' for?
Take a bite of my heart tonight.
Oh oh
I want some more
Oh oh
What are you waitin' for?
What are you waitin' for?
Say goodbye to my heart tonight.

Oh, oh
I want some more
Oh, oh
What are you waitin' for?
Take a bite of my heart tonight.
Oh oh
I want some more
Oh oh
What are you waitin' for?
What are you waitin' for?
Say goodbye to my heart tonight.

Blog

2010-06-20T21:23:00.001-07:00

Wow. All I've done on this thing lately is complain.

Maybe I should stop posting until I'm more emotionally stable.

I dunno. It's still cathartic.

Blegh.

Have to drive to the airport at 4:45 am.

Good night.

Breakup: Day 6

2010-06-19T21:34:00.002-07:00

I went out last night. I even gave a guy my phone number. But I won't respond to him. I have no interest. I literally bawled the whole way home to Jason. I'm not ready for human interaction. I looked at every man in the God forsaken bar and thought, "Not even close."

What the hell?

And tonight is even harder cause I haven't been drinking so I'm sitting around wondering what the hell he's doing with his life. Anything? Probably not.

I've come to the realization that he was actually a lot like Mark. He was just sitting around waiting for life to happen. The biggest initiative I saw him take the entire time we were together was approaching me at the bar. Driving out to me in AZ is a close second, but the risks were a lot lower I think for that than they were when he first walked up to me. Ever since then he's just been sitting still watching things happen to him.

That's why I have no fear that he will ever find this blog. First of all, he'd never know where to look. It's like the words easy to use don't apply to him. He doesn't use his powers of reasoning or deduction very well, especially when it comes to the internet. He knows generally what it's supposed to do, but he likes change even less than I do, so he was using shitty Road Runner email...and fought me on changing to gmail...and then I introduced him to Facebook, but he really has no idea why he needs it, what the point is, or what information he can glean from it. And that's really the only place that my blog is listed. Unless you're my sister...who follows me, but I doubt she actually reads it.

Anyway. Writing is and always has been cathartic for me. I feel much better now. I don't feel like calling him anymore and I don't really want to think about what he may or may not be doing with whoever. Honestly...going along with the "letting-life-happen-to-me" theory...he's probably at his parents house watching crap on TV drinking beer and hating himself. And he's probably playing poker. Or he's pissed off so he's at a bar alone.

Ah well. I just want to stop worrying about it!

Good night.

Breakup: Day 4

2010-06-17T21:27:00.002-07:00

So Amy and I got home today. It took one 6-hour day (stopped in Carlin, NV) then a 12.5-hour day (stopped in North Platte, NE) then a 14-hour day (stopped in Maumee, OH) and then 8 hours today. During the drive it came out from Dallas that he cheated on me. He made out with (on two separate occasions) the family friend in Sacramento that he hung out with fairly consistently when he first moved there and he supposedly did God knows what with some chick in southern California when he was there visiting friends the weekend before he helped me move my things to Folsom.

Now... imagine how this makes me feel. Like shit. So I retaliate with some very nasty words about how his own guilt and self loathing were what ruined our relationship and that he was just like his father. To which he responded with some extremely hateful and untruthful comments (ie that I was a "filthy whore"). At least what I said was true.

So now I just sit around crying randomly because I just do not understand a few things.

How could he cheat on me? He claims he's never cheated on anyone before in his life, so why me? Was I not cute enough? Was she just THAT cute? Had I done something wrong and he was retaliating? Was he just generally unhappy with the relationship? If so, why did he keep it going for as long as he did? Did he even love me? If he did, why didn't he love me enough to stay faithful to me? Why would he tell me he wanted to marry me if he was still fantasizing about other women - and following through with those fantasies? Why did he lie about it when I told him on multiple occasions that I thought cheating could be dealt with if you loved someone unconditionally?

How could I love someone so unconditionally who was so quick to put conditions on his love for me? I had to always be steady, I could never lose my temper. I could never get irritated about anything. I always had to take the blame for our arguments. I could never be stressed or hurting or sad because that just made being "the good guy" too hard for him.

Why did he take advantage of me? Why did he look at everything I gave him - my entire SELF - and spit on it with infidelity? Why can't he take responsibility for the wrong things he did to me? Why can't he apologize WITHOUT an excuse for his actions?! (ie. "i'm truly very sorry. DESPITE YOUR HURTFUL COMMENTS, you didn't deserve that," or "I'm sorry I'm dumping this on you, but I just thought you'd be the only one who might care," or "just for the record, I never slept with emily. we just made out two different times when we were drunk and THAT'S IT.") I don't care if I said hurtful thing or if you think I can and I DEFINITELY do NOT care that you were drunk. YOU STILL DID THOSE THINGS! TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR THEM!!!!

What the hell is wrong with me? Why aren't I good enough? Why is my love too overwhelming? When do I get to meet the man who is as passionate about me as I am about him? When do I get my happy ending? Do I?

Meh. I feel like I'm 15 again dwelling on a boy who hurt me and acting like a friggen martyr. I promise you I'll be back to normal soon and I'll stop just dumping this pity party all over the internet. But for right now I feel really bad for myself and I feel very pessimistic about the likelihood of finding a decent, loving man who I have something in common with.

*sigh*

Good night.

Breakup: Day 1

2010-06-13T21:13:00.002-07:00

Dallas broke up with me today. He made the decision that we aren't a good match. Right not I'm mad but I've been through the gamat of emotions today.

Right now I'm mad that it only took him two weeks to give up on us completely. I spent more than $1200 moving my ass up here. I gave up my career for him. I gave up EVERYTHING for him and it took him only two weeks and two solid fights to detemine that "we're not compatible." What kind of bullshit is that?! What good is compatibility when you're not willing to work on the tough stuff?

So what did he do today? He drank and played poker and watched basketball. Surprise.

God I don't even know what to feel. He's going to cut me out completely. Never talk to me. What am I supposed to do then? My whole life is in shambles. Upside down. Inside out.

So Amy is coming tomorrow. We'll start the four day drive back east. He'll never swallow his pride long enough to come after me. I'll never see or hear from this man again. This man that I love so much. With my entire being. Everything that I am loves this man. And he thinks that we're incompatible. God it hurts so bad.

More in the days to come.

Over it!

2009-08-24T19:24:00.002-07:00

I just want to confirm for everyone...for ANYONE who reads this...I am COMPLETELY and I mean COMPLETELY over David Jimenez Canet. I don't want to be with him. I want him to be happy but that will never be with me...EVER!!

So atop freaking thinking I'm still hung up on him! Seriously! Good grief. If you will get over the idea that I'm not over him then we can ALL move on and stop acting like we're in freaking high school! Geesum we're ADULTS here people!!

Gah!

East coast

2009-07-24T00:32:00.004-07:00

So I found out lst night that my middle sister for all of her unsufferble attitude apparently wishes I would move home to the east coast. This is pretty much the biggest shock I've had in quite some time. Normally I'd be peeved. I just don't think my family quite understnds how much I love it in Arizona. I've made a great life for myself. I have a great career that I love. I have a house that I can't just walk away from now. I love the weather.

And yet gaining this knowledge didn't annoy me. It touched me. Who knew my absense has as big of an affect on my fmily as it does on me. Obviously I miss them terribly when I'm gone. Obviously it's hard to hear about when they're all together for some random weekend. But who knew they miss me just as terribly on those random weekends? They have each other. It never occured to me that I'd be missed.

And I think even though I love Arizona that maybe it's still not exactly where I belong. I want to love in a place where the majority of the people think like me. Jess and Tommy live in high-powered Hoeboken, NJ where everyone is trying to find their place in the big city across the river. My mom...well she's just amazing and could make nywhere work but she's most at home in New England. The people in Maine are frugal and not showy. They're grounded and outdoorsy and just a little bit crunchy. I don't belong either of those places. I'm not bound for a high powered executive life. I'm definitely NOT crunchy or frugal and I'm much to showy for New England.

But I'm too educated for Arizona. I have yet to find my intellectual equal. And I'm talking strictly in a potential partner. The emphasis on higher education is a joke. "Oh I suppose I'll TRY college, but who really cares if I finish or not?" Unbelievable. "Oh I ran out of money." The federal government provides money in those cases. "Oh it's not that big of a deal. I can get a good job without a degree." Wow. Excuses. Excuse after lame excuse and why do we end up with? A state full of service workers. And the imports take all the high powered positions.

So do I really fit in in Arizona either? What if this isn't where I'm supposed to be either? I feel like the east coast is too classic for me but the west coast is generally too...under educated...for me.

So where to then? Austin? Too far from the ocean. San Diego? Maybe but would the same phenomenon be there? Reno? Too cold. San Fransisco? Never been so who knows. Maybe DC? I could carve a spot for myself there maybe. But GOD I would hate winter and spring.

*sigh* so here I am. Up for an hour or more at 3 am wondering where I belong. Great.

wonderful

2009-07-20T06:08:00.002-07:00

Well, I officially feel wonderful about my life. I'm in beautiful Maine at the beach and I am OFFICIALLY ecstatic that I am out of my relationship with David. No more jealousy, no more missing him, just pure elation that I'm not with someone like him anymore.

Good luck, Dave, you'll need it if you continue down this path you're on right now.

Oh, and maybe Shea should move OUT of her boyfriend's apartment before you start dating her. Just a thought.

Hah!

: ) It's not even like a bitterness either. I'm not spiteful or anything, I'm just... glad. Glad that I don't have to deal with the drama. Glad that I'm not around people as irresponsible as he is. Glad that I can find a nurturer instead of a leech this time.

So happy day. Now it's almost time for the beach! :-D Pictures to come.

Jealousy

2009-07-16T06:38:00.002-07:00

I think i've got it figured out. I'm not sure if it will help, but I'm hoping writing it will help. It's 5:30 in the morning and I don't think I've slept more than a few hours tonight. Elizabeth told me David and Shea (whoever she is) stayed at joaquin's after going out last night and that she wa left alone all cozy on the couch while they both went to work. I don't know why this upset me so much, but it did.

So I started to think. Why is this really upsetting me? I feel like my mind is a projector sometimes. I merely have to project certain memories for myself to elicit certain emotions. For example the memories of David I have that mak me miss him most are from when we first started dating. And I think, "why do I dwell on THOSE memories?" so then I try to think of why we broke up to begin with and I picture his attitude that final night. I picture the way he acted every weekend around his friends. And it makes me understand that I know without a shadow of a doubt that we weren't mean to be together and three never wouldve worked.

So why am I up at 5:30 am dwelling on it? I think it's because I have a huge problem with rejection and I want the exact thing that I can't have. This explains why I get so put out by a man who throws himself at my feet. And it also explains why I'm so frustrated and hurt by David finding someone so quickly after being rid of me. She's getting him in that first amazing month when he can't keep his hands off her and his eyes rarely leave her face. She's getting the eat of him right now an I'm pissed about it. Who the hell is she? Some 21 (maybe) year old student who has nothing better to do but spend all of her time with him because she doesn't work. Daddy probably pays for everything. But I'm being presumptuous. I do know shE doesn't have a job and she's a student. Anyway it's really not about er. I'm not jealous of her because I dot want her. I'm jealous of him for being able to jus put it all behing him so easily.

I told Elizabeth I was ready to see him. Single. Guess that's not going to happen anytime soon. The worst part about this whole thing is I can't get away from him! Elizabeth and Joaquin are attached at the hip and she's always getting information that I don't really want to hear. She's going to meet this girl and form an opion about her and I'm not going to want to know, but I'll ask her anyway. Because I'm masochistic. I wish this could be like John where it was a clean break. There weren't any mutual friends I felt compelled to keep. I didn't have the opportunity to hear about john's new girlfriend. But here, in this situation, I have a link. I have a best friend who is constantly getting information fom HIS best friend. And I don't want to know...but I do. I wan to know factually what she's like and what they're like because then I can't sit up hypothesizing about it. I can't paint the worst picture in my head.

I was too good for him. Not in a mean way I just was. He's happy living paycheck to paycheck and partying an spelling once "ounce". He's ignorant and he doesn't care. I can't put my phone down because I LIKE to constantly learn. Elizabeth says I need a mantra for when I start thinking about him. Her suggestion was, "David didn't treat me right. I shouldn't waste my time thinking about him." I'll try it and we'll see.

I think I've thought it through enough to ge back to sleep...for a few hours at least.

p.s. I hope she's enjoying her minute and a half romps with him. Hah!

Break ups

2009-06-22T12:19:00.003-07:00

So... I think I've discovered exactly why my most recent break ups have been so hard. First of all I'm with these men that are not at all what I want long term. They're self centered, childish, and they're not going anywhere in life. I, on the other hand, I am going places. And I do not want to be the primary provider for my family. OH! And yes, I want a family.

So I date these guys that don't meet any of the standards I have for a lifelong partner. Maybe thinking that I can change them? Maybe hoping that being with me will motivate them to improve themselves? But, no. Instead they get lazy. I paid for EVERYTHING with John and David now owes me $20! Oh for crying out loud.

And then it's the best part. Then they buckle under the weight of my expectations. They know I'm too good for them. That I treated them better than anyone, that they had it easy with me but with that ease came my daunting expectations. So then I make their lives shit - at least emotionally. I'm grumpy and sarcastic and obnoxious. So they get sock of that. And who could blame them? So then they pull away and they push me away and then before I'm ready I snap because I can't handle being treated so crappy. I can't handle not being appreciated. I can't handle NOT trusting the person I'm with to care about me despite - or because of - my flaws. So I snap HOPING that they'll come running after me. They'll have this huge epiphany that they loved having me in their lives and they can't handle the thought of not having me there.

But they don't.

And then it gets to the point that it's not about wanting them back. It's about wanting them to want me back.

So I need to stop being so selfish and vain and understand that despite the fact that I pour myself into these relationships, I've reached my breaking point and I don't want them in my life. I need to be - once again - the bigger person. I need to pray for that strength I think.

*sigh* so, David, if you can't grow up and be a man instead of a child and treat me with respect that's fine. I'm better off without you. If you want to drink your life away and make out with slutty girls with fake boobs in a teeny bikini and high heels, please, I'm DEFINITELY better off without that kind of person in my life. Just because you don't want me doesn't mean no one will. And SOMEDAY I will find that perfect balance.

I will find the person that is as into me as I am into them an vice versa.

Period.

Head up. It'll be ok.

visit

2008-07-02T22:50:00.005-07:00

Clearly I like crying these days.

Rather than timing it so that I didn't have to see him, I decided I could handle it and went to John's tonight to drop off the Christmas Tree, the Bullshit episodes and his copy of Into the Wild (a great book AND movie, by the way).

So I call him after dinner, tell him I'm in Tempe and want to just drop off the stuff to get rid of it, which I did want to do...it's been in my backseat since... well yesterday.

Anyway, so I get there, purposefully park outside the entrance (where you're not supposed to park) so that I will HAVE to leave. I walk up the stairs, let myself in, as usual. And there he is. Just leaning against the couch all relaxed and casual.

"Hey," he says.

"Hi," I say back, unable to look at him. I set the box with the tree and stuff in it on the ground as he makes his way closer to me. I busy myself by getting a plastic bag from above the refrigerator... where I know they will be. Open the freezer, take out my ice cream. My heart is racing, my hands are shaking. I can feel him watching me. He says something about finding a shot thingy. He's got all my stuff piled together at the end of the counter. He wants to get rid of me, rid his living space of me.

I pack the ice cream in one bag, the other things (including two necklaces, a pair of earrings, one miscellaneous earring whose mate it somewhere in the apartment, and the jigger) in another bag.

"I'll walk you out," he says.

"Fuck," I think. "'Bye," I say to everyone else in the apartment.

I walk quickly down the stairs, unlock the car doors, toss my things in the passenger seat, close the door and turn to look at him.

"Can I at least have a hug?" he asks.

I shrug. I cover my face and say, "I'm shaking right now." I'm struggling not to cry is more like it.

I don't feel him next to me until his arms are around me. I'm trying so hard not to sob right now it hurts. We stand there for a second and then he lets go. I ask him if he knows how hard it was waiting for his call on Sunday, knowing what he was going to say.

"I didn't even know what I was going to say," he says.

"Yea, but I did." He just looks at me. I look at the ground. "What made you decide then?"

"Talking to you," he says, still looking at me intently. "It didn't seem like you wanted to date me anymore."

"I don't want to date someone who won't compromise."

He shrugs. "Can I at least have a hug?"

We embrace, my arms over his shoulders, one of his hands on my lower back pulling me closer to him gently, the other on the bare skin right below the nape of my neck. This is always how we stand when we know it's going to be a long hug. He strokes my skin and I put my face in his neck. It so fucking comforting.

"I'm sorry," he says.

"Me too."

We release each other...but I don't know who released who first. I want to know what I could've done differently. I tell him that no matter what he says, I'll always think it was me.

"What, cause you were great? 'Cause you weren't terrible to me?" he says.

Coulda fooled me the last couple of weeks...what with my nagging and being mad all the time and yelling all the time. I say this to him.

"Yea, you nagged me, so what?"

"At least I augmented my nagging with...steak dinners, bottles of wine...you know."

We laugh. Okay, not really laugh. We smirk and snicker a little. I doubt we could throw our heads back in glee right now.

"You can always call me, you know?"

"Yea, but you know I won't," I say like I really mean it... God I wish I did.

"Fine, be that way," he says. Could that be pain? Could that be hurt driving that sarcastic comment?

"I just can't rely on you anymore, John, I just can't," I say, not really catching the hurt, thinking only that he's trying to lighten the mood. As if it can be lightened.

We talk about my move. He insists that he'll help like he said he would. I don't know how to tell him I can't accept his help anymore. That I can barely stand here with him not crying, much less spend a day with him, sweating, probably laughing and ultimately relying on him to be the big, strong man to help me move the things I can't move on my own.

We hug again at some point. I'm not sure when, but it's another long one, more skin stroking, more struggling on my part not to cry. He asks into my ear when I'm leaving, tells me to take pictures for him. I tell him I'll visit a lighthouse for him. This just about breaks my heart.

And finally I say, "My ice cream is melting," and sneak by him to get into the driver's side. Our first kiss happened next to this car. Now our last moments are happening, too.

I turn on the car, put it in drive, put the e-brake down and start to buckle myself in when I break down. I start sobbing. He's not even up the stairs yet. I can't move. My hand is frozen mid-air. My shoulders shake, the moans escaping from me me are low and mourning. Then I throw my head back and start almost screaming. Why do I feel like I'm losing my best friend and the man I love all in one? Why do I feel like I'm mourning this great loss, this thing that will never be replaced?

Finally, I pull myself together enough to finish buckling myself. I grab my phone, click on Megan and take my foot off the brake. As I'm pulling away, the only thing holding me together is Megan's calming, "I know honey, I know it sucks."

Sobbing I say, "Now I don't have any reason at all to see him!" Of all things, this is what's on my mind, a reason to need to see him. Now we each have all of our things back, there's no reason to call him up and say, "Oh hey, you forgot such and such, I'll just drop it by." There's nothing requiring him to want to see me. There's nothing giving me a reason to see him. Fuck. This is the worst realization of the night. Even beyond knowing that asking for a hug was for him, not for me. He wanted to touch me. He wanted to be close to me. And I wanted it to, goddamn it.

Half way home, Megan is tired of listening to me be upset so I let her go to sleep. And I think, "Why can't he just be an asshole?"

So, idiot that I am, sends a text: "Why can't you just be mean so I can stay mad instead of crying all the way home."

No response. My tears are sporadic. My fits come in short little bursts of agony. When will this stop? When will I be able to look at myself in the mirror and not cry? When will I be able to tell someone I just ended a relationship without tears welling up in my eyes?

Does he feel this? Does this faze him? Is he hurting? Does he miss me? Does he wish he could be different for me? Does he wish I could be different for him?

When will life go back to normal?

deleted picture blog

2008-07-01T21:48:00.003-07:00

Thought I'd explain why I deleted the picture blog. I've been watching Penn and Teller's Bullshit and I just watched an episode where a girl was fired from Delta for posting un-flattering pictures of herself on her blog. Clearly, I do not want that to happen, so for those of you who saw it, congrats. For those of you who didn't, sorry, but I want to keep my job and God knows anyone can find this stuff on the internet.

By the way, Meg suggested that the acne comment could have been some asshole searching around on blogger. But here's my thought, yea I looked like shit in those pictures, but my acne wasn't like glaring, so I'm still convinced that it had to have been someone looking for a way to insult me, and to do it anonymous is just so cowardly it would only have been one person. At least I'm 99% convinced it was this person. And, really? It's been a year, shouldn't he have better things to do with his time? Guess not. Lame.

annonymous comment

2008-07-01T03:37:00.002-07:00

Good morning! It's 4am and why am I awake? Well, cause I'm not sleeping. But that's not the point of this blog.

Periodically during the night I wake up and check my e-mail...cause it's there, it's something to do when I can't sleep, etc.

Tonight I woke up and I had a comment (that I chose not to publish) on my previous entry that said, "nice acne." Posted anonymously.

Now, three guesses who would post such an asshole comment.

1. John, but I don't really want to believe that he'd do that. Sure, the last post was directed at him, but surely he understands that I was hurt, right?
2. Someone who's close to John and is more concerned about his best interests than mine, but I doubt they read this blog, though John could've pointed them to it.
3. Paul.

Because lets face it, who else who reads this blog would have a malicious thing to say to me after that post? After the last three posts? Who, but someone who continuously wants to hurt me?

Seriously?

What an asshole.

At least send it with your identity. C'MON! Grow up. You can't even say something mean with your name attached?

Anyway, what only Megan - and the few other people who called me yesterday to make sure I was okay - know is that that post was really the only thing that was keeping me laughing yesterday.

Why? Because it's ridiculous! But I left it up, cause looking at it made me laugh and I needed to laugh.

And your "nice acne" comment is NOT going to take that away from me. Shit head...whoever you are...can't even own up to your own insult.

Anyway, I thought those of you who know I deserve better, those of you who care about me would appreciate that. I know I did.

*sigh* I feel a little better.

picture

2008-06-29T22:50:00.002-07:00

I think the picture to your left is incredibly artistic. It captures real emotion. It's off center, it wasn't posed. I just kept snapping pictures this night when I was crying.

Paul, if you're reading this, which I'm not even sure of anymore, you're not the only one who can inflict this kind of pain on me. Hah!

Anyway, Paul has seen this before, haven't you? You made me cry like this, didn't you? You made me feel like I was nothing. Like there was something more important than me. And I see now, thanks to my most recent pain, that she wasn't what was more important. YOU were more important to you than I was.

Thanks, John, for opening my eyes to that. It helps...a little.

But it still begs the question... why was I not important enough, worthy enough, to put before yourself?

I put both of you before me and look where it got me...nowhere. Dumped and in pain and alone.

But Mark... and Kevin... they loved me. They would have done anything for me. And I walked all over them.

Maybe that's the problem. No relationship will ever work if one party is more "into" the other.

It always has to be a level playing field... doesn't it?

Oh well.

Maybe next time.

Or do I just need to be alone... like John?

Bets that he'll be with someone new when I get back from traveling?

It's not me. It's you. Right?

getting dumped

2008-06-29T22:46:00.002-07:00

So. Tonight I got dumped. And I got the its-not-you-its-me speech. It was fantastic.

I've been drinking since 3pm. And now I have a headache from crying.

I went to the pool. That didn't help.

I changed my picture on facebook to reflect my mood. That pic of me all happy and cute just wasn't cutting it.

So here I am. At home. Horrible company for anyone. Especially the ones I love. Apparently.

Now what?

wearing heels

2008-06-17T19:28:00.003-07:00

So in the past month I have had more complaints about me wearing heels than I think I ever had. First a girl with her boyfriend walking by me in a grocery store rudely says (not out of earshot), "That girl should NOT be wearing heels!" Then, I find out that after visiting my little sister's work one of her coworkers found it ridiculous that I wore heels and informed my little sister as such. Finally, today I got an e-mail on okcupid from some greek dude who wanted to know why - at 6'2" - I wanted to wear heels and wasn't I tall enough already?

SO frustrating!

So okay people here it is, my reasons for wearing heels. Imagine you put two women next to each other, both the same exact height flatfooted. Now, put them both in a knee length skirt. Finally, put one of them in flat shoes and one of them in heels. Who looks more professional, more put together and ultimately, sexier? The chick in the heels. Why? Because her legs are elongated and it's been common practice for YEARS that a business women wear some sort of heel, especially with a skirt,

Okay, there's my reason one, in heels I look more professional, more confident, etc etc.

Next reason. Now, yes, I'm 6'2" and yes, I am quite tall enough on my own. However, I also have four feet of leg. And four feet of leg looks damn good in three inch heels. Stick me in three inch heels next to a girl who is 5'3" in three inch heels. Who are you going to notice first? Most likely me. Now imagine me in a miniskirt and you've got a walking bombshell. Am I right? Of course I'm right because I KNOW how it works when I wear heels, I know how people respond to me when I wear heels.

My final reason, for all you men, for all you women, look at the flat shoes options out there for women. Pretty friggen limited. So why am I NOT allowed to wear all the cute heels that are out there JUST because I'm taller than most people? Huh? HUH? It doesn't make sense! Why am I supposed to limit my fashion choice because SOME people think I shouldn't wear heels just because I'm already tall.

It's ridiculous. Some people wear heels for the height. I wear heels for the way they make my legs look, the way I stand out even more when I wear them and because... GOD... they're WAY cuter and more common than flat shoes!

So that's my rant for the day, hope you enjoyed. Here's a pic of my new favorite pair of heels.

<3

A Change of Scenery

2008-06-14T08:58:00.001-07:00

So I was getting sick of how dark my page is, so I'm slowly changing it to something... different. This layout that I'm using today is just a lighter version of the one I was using before, so enjoy, until I switch it up again and REALLY freak you out.

I also added a picture and some more information about myself, though if you're reading this you probably already know me so you don't need all that information, but I edited it anyway. I hope you all enjoy the new look, let me know if there's something I can change to make your reading experience easier!

<3

I love Frost

2008-06-14T08:21:00.003-07:00

So, I absolutely love this poem. And it reminds me of my life a little bit. Moving to Arizona? Almost a full continent away from my parents? Probably the road least traveled. But I did it, and in the words of Frost, "...that has made all the difference." So here it is, in it's full glory:

The Road Not Taken
Robert Frost

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Good morning to you all.

<3

What do I deserve?

2008-06-11T01:02:00.003-07:00

Well kiddos. It's 1am and I can't sleep. Shall we all take one giant guess WHY? If you guessed a boy, you'd be correct, ** ding ding ding **

I've been crying for the last hour trying to figure out exactly why I am with a person who can tell me at 9pm that they will call me after they're done doing a very specific activity. Much to my dismay I woke up at midnight (already knowing he'd be asleep) with no phone call, no text message, NOTHING.

Now, a one time thing, sure, that's okay, I would be upset but not utterly destroyed like I was tonight. Why, you ask? Because this is a reoccurring theme in this relationship. SO reoccurring, in fact that it just happened a mere two nights ago when the same thing happened. "Call you after the movie," only to find out he really meant, "Call you after two movies, time spent with a friend, and potentially after any reasonable bedtime that you may have had."

So what the fuck, right? All of you have been telling me I deserve better. I just wanted so badly for this person to be everything I wanted, everything I needed... and he is! But I also want someone to feel the same way about me. And he doesn't.

Clearly or how could he crawl into bed... a bed I was just in last night and NOT remember that he said he'd call? How could he not remember me? What it was like to have me there the night before... for fuck sake THIS MORNING... how could he forget about that? And about me? And what it's like when I'm around? I just don't understand.

How can I be so forgettable? So unimportant? So insignificant?

I've got a migraine from crying? I still don't think I'll be able to sleep and I really don't want to go through another day doubled over with stomach pain. This is awful.

I beat myself up enough, emotionally. I don't need the person I love doing it too.

upgrade

2008-06-09T08:10:00.003-07:00

I'm sitting in the D concourse at the airport in Atlanta and just decided to upgrade my seat to business class for the long three hour trip home to Phoenix. Otherwise the only isle seat was in the absolute LAST row of the plane...not my idea of fun. So now I'm feeling pretty good about my trip home. A nice big comfy leather seat, extra leg room (always a plus), and...wait for it...complimentary cocktails!! Hooray for business class.

So here I am thinking about all the upgrading I've been doing in my own life. I've upgraded my expectations of myself. I bought a house. I upgraded my living situation... also by buying a house. I've upgraded my self worth, my self esteem, my love of life. All of it.

I've upgraded myself and I love it. A lot of you may not know but I've lost over 20 pounds since the middle of March. I've been really dedicated to making myself better. I go to the gym at least three times a week, most of the time more, I eat right, I'm getting my back fixed by a chiropractor. I feel like I've been upgraded and I have only myself to thank.

So hooray for me too!!

Thanks, guys, for reading.

trip home

2008-06-08T18:24:00.002-07:00

I'm sitting in my parents' living room on the last night of my 10-day-long visit to Maryland and I'm kinda reflecting on how everything went this week. I got here late on Saturday and was immediately unhappy about how fricken humid it is here and that I missed helping my littlest sister get ready for prom. From there the week kinda went downhill.

The next day I somehow managed to put my middle sister in tears by telling her to take advantage of my mother's generosity when they went to K-Mart to "stock up," which basically means my mother (before any new year at college or moving into a new house at all) takes us to a grocery store and a store like K-Mart and buys us the essentials, like toilet paper, shampoo, deodorant, etc. By my saying that she should take advantage I SOMEHOW managed to come across as critical. I'm still not sure how I did it, but after we'd all calmed down I apologized and tried to explain that I had not meant to be critical at all, but more like understanding and commiserating. So that sucked.

This was after (by the way) my mother thought it was necessary to call me out on my acne. Now, people, I have been working my ass off to eat healthy to lose weight and those of you that see me on a day to day basis may not notice, but my acne has only gotten worse as I've eaten healthier and lost weight. So this is how she approached this.

We're sitting at the kitchen table, I'm eating cereal, she's reading the newspaper, and we're chatting about nothing in particular. All of a sudden she's leans back, pushes the newspaper away and crosses her arms over her chest and says, "Can you tell me why, if you've been eating healthy and improving your health, why does you face look so bad?" How does one react to such a question?? How can I first address the whole my-face-looks-bad-?? part only to turn around and express my frustration that it doesn't make anymore sense to me than it does to her?

So that sucked.

Anyway. So generally these little things kept happening. I put my middle sister in tears again, maybe even a couple more times, she made me cry, my mom yelled at me, told me I should apologize more than once to whoever I'D upset, but did I get apologized to? Oh hell no.

I hate to just sit here and complain, but the week didn't get good until I drove down to Virginia and saw Ms. Megan. We went out and had a blast, didn't get to bed until after 5 am, and then went shopping on Saturday. And then John and I talked for over an hour about various things. It was a great conversation and I'm really excited to go home.

I miss Arizona. And I cannot even tell you how AWESOME that is. I've never EVER lived somewhere that I missed when I was away because of the weather! It's so fricken humid here, I have felt stickier and hotter in the last week than I did in 109 degree weather in Phoenix. Also, I realized this weekend that I'm a Phoenician... which is just an AWESOME word! So it's totally cool that I am one. Hah!

Anyway, I had to rant, and reflect and let those people who I'm thinking about know that I'm thinking about them, though they may not know for like a month or so since no one checks this regularly since I don't WRITE regularly. I should set a daily alarm or something to make myself sit down and write. It's so cathartic.

Ok, 'night.

tubing on the salt river

2008-05-05T13:25:00.004-07:00

So for those of you who know me, you know that I'm prone to accidents. No matter where I go, no matter what I'm doing, I always end up bruised and battered.

And yesterday was no exception. My roommate Jen invited me along with a group of her friends from various hospitals to go tubing down the salt river. It was an ABSOLUTE blast! The people were awesome, there was lots of beer and good conversation. We were all tied together and floated down the river. It took about 3 hours. I was absolutely sure I'd get burned, but, LUCKY me, I didn't. At least not bad enough to be around today (I was pink last night).

However, I DID pretty much rip up my foot. At one point in the river there was a section that we got stuck in that was pulling us back upstream so I was one of the geniuses to get out and try to swim us (all like 9 of us plus two coolers of beer) back into the downstream current. In the process my shoe came off and I was doing great until I hit a rock... with the bottom of my foot. And here's the aftermath:

Lovely, huh?

But I had a great time and it was totally worth it. Happy Cinco de Mayo!!

lyrics

2008-04-30T21:01:00.004-07:00

So ya'll have all read about my depressing situation with John and told I'm in the car home from Tucson listening to Matt Wertz (who is amazing, by the way if you've never heard him) who I listen to all the time. But for some reason today I actually listened to the lyrics of "Falling Off the Face of the Earth" and almost started crying. It reminded me so much of John and what he may be thinking and feeling. Here are the lyrics:

Stay away from me
Cause I'll be gone soon
It's just so hard to let go once we've grabbed hold
It's nothing that you've done
You're not the only one
I'm just learning to be in twenty-three places

And I'm falling off the face of the earth
Crashing into bridges I burn
And I'm falling off the face of the earth
But I'll be home soon

Is this how the story goes
When rubber meets the road
Waving goodbye is so hard without hello

And I'm falling off the face of the earth
Crashing into bridges I burn
And I'm falling off the face of the earth
But I'll be home soon

I keep forgetting to
Keep you an arms length aways

Because I'm falling off the face of the earth
Crashing into bridges I burn
And I'm falling off the face of the earth
But I'll be home soon

For those of you who know the situation, could it more clear? *sigh* Anyway, just a thought for tonight.

migraine induced rantings

2008-04-29T19:04:00.002-07:00

So I've got my first migraine since moving to Arizona. And it sucks. I've tried sleeping, that didn't help. Tried eating, that didn't help. So I took excedrin. We'll find out in a little while if that helps. Until then I'll turn the brightness of my screen down as low as it will go and talk to ya'll.

Here are some issues I'm having. I'm in love with someone who accepts me completely for who I am. He allows me to be whoever I want whenever I want. Makes me feel completely comfortable and at home in my own skin - even when he's "too tired" to want me.He's oddly charming, incredibly attractive and just generally awesome. So what's the problem? He's emotionally distant. To the point of pain for me. And I get why, I do. Especially after talking to Dave today, I get it. But it still sucks. So now what?

Well, here's my second issue: Problems with dating other people while you're still sleeping with your ex. 1) You have to lie to both of them. How're you gonna tell someone, "hey I'm having a really great time, but I've gotta go cause I'm meeting up with my ex later and we'll probably have sex by the end of the night"? Or, "I can't hang out tonight cause I'm already with my ex"? Or "Exes? Well my most recent one is actually still in my life, we hang out a lot - every weekend - and we're actually still intimate"? They don't go over well, I'm sure. And then what do you say to your ex? "Hey I really love hanging out with you, but I just want you to know, I've got plans on Friday night to go out with someone else, can I come over after?" or "Hey, the sex is great and all, but to be honest, I went out with someone else last night when I told you I was going to sleep."

All around, it just sucks. So what do you do? Insist that if you're going to sleep together you better damn well be monogamous? What if they say, "Fine, then we're not sleeping together anymore"? Then you can't sleep with who you want and you're left wondering what is wrong with you physically that wouldn't motivate them to ONLY want to sleep with you. Which translates into you thinking no one would want you, which only means that whoever you went out with and lied to probably wouldn't ever want you anyway, so why bother?

*sigh* it's quite the conundrum. Anybody got tips on how to make the one you want want you back? Can't be done? I didn't think so. So now what do I do? I'm too goddamn stupid or stubborn or selfish to let him go. Or maybe all fucking THREE!!

Ok - need to stop looking at screen. Making migraine worse. Crying wouldn't help at all. Thanks for reading. Sorry if it's a downer... my bad.

Spikey hair

2008-01-28T17:41:00.000-07:00

Sooo... As most of you know I am dating a very cute boy named John who happens to have a badass mohawk. At some point I agreed to let him spike my head of hair with glue and go out in public (though he did want me to go to work with it spiked). So Saturday night I was like, "Hey, lets do my hair." So while Cory and Myko played Wii, John patiently spiked my entire head of hair with Elmer's glue and a blow dryer. It took about an hour and 20 minutes.

Clearly many pictures were taken. Here's one of them:

Awesome... I know! Anyway, so Myko and John are going to Hawaii on Wednesday for a week and being the extremely interesting people that they are, decided Speedos would be the best bet for swimming while there.

So, as per the agreement, I was required to go out in public while my hair was like this, so we looked up the closest Sports Authority, piled in the car (everyone's drunk but John) and headed down the road.

Not one to be left out of any festivities decided that he, too, would get a Speedo, so all three boys got their own and we headed back to the house, but not without harassing the clerk who was CLEARLY not amused and just wanted us out of the store a.s.a.p. Thankfully there were only like 3 other people in the entirety of the store so I wasn't stared at mercilessly. However, in order to watch reactions, I decided to wear sunglasses while in the store. A grand idea except my coordination was off (damn the alcohol) so I'm pretty sure everyone that was staring at me knew that I was staring right back at them. Ah well.

Anyway, so we all get home and decide to head over to the hot tub in my complex (hence why I, too, am in a bathing suit). We swim for a while, played Wii for awhile (we all sucked... except John... the sober bastard) and then went to bed.

Upon discovering that it was pretty much impossible to lay my head back, however, I promptly took a shower and washed out all the Elmer's. I thoroughly enjoyed it, though, and plan to have my hair like that for an entire day at some point! What a blast!

Anyway, that's my update. Hope you all enjoyed.

Christmas

2007-12-25T09:54:00.000-07:00

Well hello there everyone. It's noon on Christmas Day and I am relaxing on the couch in the living room of my parent's house in Maryland. My tummy is full, I've shed some tears, and I'm just generally smiley.

This year is so unlike last year it's incredible. Last year I was pining over Paul (we hadn't talked in a little while because I'd decided for the who know what number time that I was done dealing with the whole situation). He'd told me straight up he wouldn't leave Amber during the holiday season. What a load of shit, he just wouldn't leave her period. Jackass.

Anyway, so I was simply unhappy last year and this year I am so happy. I am so happy with where I am in my life. I'm happy with where my life is going, who I've been spending my time with in Arizona, my success in my career (I've been kicking ass), just all around happy happy happy.

And so, HAPPY HOLIDAYS, MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

realtionship

2007-12-19T22:08:00.000-07:00

teeheeheehee. so I'm in the first "real" relationship since mark and it is incredible. john and i haven't been dating that long but he is quite possibly the sweetest man i've ever known. he's declared to me that i am "his" and so, i am with him and no one else.

but there's no pressure and i am completely giddy about the whole thing. it's incredible and he's incredible and i hate that i have to leave for two weeks on monday, though home will be nice and ISM will be exciting.

that's all, thought you might like to know.

weekend

2007-12-11T10:51:00.000-07:00

So my weekend was fantastic. John and I had a blast in Flagstaff, though we took the long way up and stopped in Prescott and drove through Jerome, which is this crazy ghoast town that is suddenly inhabited again by hippies and artists. It's built INTO the mountainside. It's incredible. Anyway. So we took off around 10-10:30 on Saturday, got to Flagstaff around 5 (because we took the long way and stopped a few times).

We had dinner at this place called Sizzler, a steakhouse just inside Flagstaff. Then we went downtown and watched a very small town holiday parade. "The Parade of Lights." Bascially everyone in the town tried to get as many lights as possible on their vehicles and then drove them up the main drag. It was adorable. Complete with fire trucks, the high school marching band and a live band playing on a trailer being pulled by a truck advertising the local rock radio station. It was so much fun and really made me feel like Christmas is coming.

After the parade we went to a coffee shop called the "Late for the Train Espresso Bar." The main staple in Flagstaff is their train station, which also happens to house their Visitor's Center. Anyway, the Chai that I had was good but very cinnamon-y. Everyone in the town loved Crispin and all the little kids were asking so nicely if they could pet him. It's so funny to me when people ask, "Is he friendly?" He's just chillen out in my arms lookin around... of COURSE he's friendly.

Anyway, so we went to Safeway and bought a bottle of wine and had a couple glasses while we watched.... huh, I forget what we were watching.... and then we went to bed. When we woke up everything was covered in snow (mind you it had been snowing while we were at the parade and during the whole trip up to Flagstaff, so this is not surprising.) We went to a little diner across the street from the hotel and had a hearty breakfast. Checked out of the hotel and took Crispin with us to walk around downtown.

Remember when I said I bought him a little jacket? Well I decided that booties might help as well. First of all they're a pain to get on him and then watching him walk was an absolutely hysterical experience. Needless to say they eventually all fell off and I ended up having to carry him around all day, but it was worth the laugh. John of course, made fun of me incessantly for buying clothes for a dog, but Crispin needed it. He was shivering the whole time.

Anyway, so we walked around downtown, went into all the local shops and no one seemed to mind that he was with me. It was a really fun time. We went into hippie stores, antique shops, art stores, then made our way to the Visitor's Center in the train station but there was a big plackard outside: "No Pets" so we didn't go in. The wind started blowing snow in our faces, though, we we decided the car would be a nice sanctuary.

We left around 11:30 and agreed to stop at Montezuma Castle on the way back. Around 12:30, though, we got hungry and found a place called "Crusty's Cafe" on the GPS. It ended up being really good (I have leftovers) and really cheap. We got to Montezuma Castle and John took lots of pictures (I'll put his link up whenever he posts them).

We got back to his house around... 7:30? I dunno, I'd lost track of time. We played Wii with his roommate for a while and then he ended up coming back to the townhouse and stayed the night with me. I drove him to work the next morning and headed to Tucson. We were supposed to see a movie last night but I ended up getting back too late so I just went to his house and had some food and watched the Prestige.

I'm having way too much fun with this guy. He's a blast to be around, he's not needy, but he's so attentive and sweet. It's ridiculous. Anyway, we're just having fun. He's supposedly moving away from Phoenix as soon as he saves up enough money, so that blows hard core and is really preventing me from getting too close, I think. But anyway. We'll see.

That's my life's update, for those of you that care, hah. If you have questions, call me.

learning from blogs

2007-12-08T08:38:00.000-07:00

So... I haven't written in awhile. This I am fully aware of. But the move to Phoenix and beginning my selling career has been much more stressful than I originally anticipated. Not to mention I've been "dating" and figuring out the relationship with my roommate. Anyway. So I was reading a blog that I semi-frequent, though not of late, and I could not even get through a single posting. It's so boring reading about another person's boring ass life. Especially when that person is bragging about how great they are and telling their readers things their readers most likely already know.

So it got me thinking. Why do I even write? Why update those EXTREMELY few people who read this when I'm most likely going to tell those people the same damn story when I have a chance to talk to them?

And I guess I realized. This blog is for me. It's my way of writing as therapy. Which, I suppose is why it is so erratic. When I don't need therapy, I don't write. And when I do, I do write.

So why am I writing now? Because I'm on a rant about how much I don't care about other people's mundane lives. And that I don't expect those people reading this to be interested in MY mundane life. It truly isn't that interesting. But oh well. If you like to read and you care about me (aha! maybe that's the issue! only those who care about me would read this blog, which is precisely why I couldn't get through the aforementioned blog! Because I no longer care!) then read on.

Today is Saturday and I am planning a trip to Flagstaff, AZ with a guy named John who happens to be amazing and also happens to have a badass mohawk. And I'm not talking like feauxhawk here people. I'm talking, shaved sides, uses Elmer's glue to get the thing to stand falmost a foot off his head, serious ass mohawk. And For some strange reason, it's incredibly hot, though he and I are quite a pair when we hang out, and we've gotten comments also. "Ms. Preppy out with the dude with a mohawk," was my favorite. But somehow, we work. Anyway, we're going to Flagstaff because it's snowing there and I'm sort of feeling like it's not winter since it still gets to between 75 and 80 on a beautiful sunny day here in Phoenix. So we're going to experience the snow.

I need to go purchase a sweater for my little dog who is going with us and isn't made for extreme weather like that. Anyway. I plan to have an awesome day. I hope you all (those few of you who read this) will do the same.

Phoenix and OkCupid

2007-11-04T10:58:00.000-07:00

So, as I said in my previous blog, I'm officially moving to Phoenix. I love it here. The warmth, the people, the variety of activities, the mountains, the clean air, the beauty of the area, all of it. But seeing as I know one person (love you Denise) I've decided to join OkCupid. Not for dating, necessarily, but to meet people in the area. I mean, I have no problem going out and meeting plenty of people, but there's something not as satisfying as meeting someone at a bar and never talking to them again.

And then there's the option of looking for all of the unbelievably *hot* guys in Phoenix. Teehee. I'm not ready for a relationship. The last one effed me up so bad I doubt I'll be ready for anything serious anytime soon. In the meantime, "girls just wanna have fun." That's sort of my mantra at the moment. If it's fun, I'm there.

And of COURSE I'm safe. Everyone keeps asking me that. It's cool as long as you're safe, they say. Do I look or come across as a dumb person? No. Do I look like I'm going to put my life, my health, or my future in jeopardy? Nope. So, yes, I'm safe... but yes, hell yes, I am having fun.

Anyway. So this is my schedule: today I leave for Reno. I'm there for a week. Then I come back here (to Phoenix) work for a week (PROSPECTING, HOORAY!!), fly home to Baltimore for the week of Thanksgiving to pack and celebrate. Then drive out from Maryland to Phoenix with Mom.

I already have a place here and OH MY GOD is it amazing. I will absolutely take pictures when I'm back in town and try to post them. Anyway. That's about it. I'll post more later.

Phoenix, Arizona

2007-11-02T21:54:00.000-07:00

Well, guys and gals, I am officially moving to Phoenix, AZ and taking over that territory!! I cannot tell you how excited I am. It's nerve racking, too, though, but tonight is not the night for me to get into it.

Just wanted to update all of ya'll on that.

back in reno

2007-10-13T22:47:00.000-07:00

Well I'm back in Reno and ready to take a break from going out every night. I'm exhausted. I've met so many cool people and had some really fun nights. Phoenix is such a cool town. I'd move there in a heartbeat.

Anyway. I went to Sedona, AZ on Thursday night to have dinner and watch the sun set on the red rock. I'll post pictures eventually. So Sedona is supposed to be this really crazy spiritual place, something called a "Vortex" according to Howard, the west area manager. So I decided it would be fun to have my palms/tarot cards read so I went to one of the many shops on the main drag in town. She told me a bunch of cool things, some unexpected, some not.

She said that I'm very unsettled right now, that I feel like there's something missing and that thing is my soulmate. My life is in line, my career will make me successful, I'm going to live until I'm 86 or 87 (which I think is perfect). But that one thing, that thing that will settle me is my soulmate. And she said I haven't met him yet, but that she felt like I should by next summer. She felt that once I meet him I will be whole, my life will be settled and we will be together forever even though I am afraid of divorce/separation because of my family.

She said that I'd had two relationships in my life that had profound effects on me and that one of them was completely done, but the other one she asked me about. What do I say about that? I have no idea. Clearly there's unfinished business. Anyway.

The most exciting news, though, was that she saw two pregnancies and three children. Now, I have wanted twins FOREVER. Like as soon as I started thinking about my family and how many children I want, I have always, always, always wanted twins. So that was incredibly exciting.

That's about it. I'm tired and I have tomorrow off, which is awesome, awesome, awesome.

"stolen"

2007-10-12T16:32:00.000-07:00

We watch the season pull up its own stage
And catch the last weekend
Of the last week
Before the gold and the glimmer have been replaced
Another sun soaked season
Fades away

You have stolen my heart
You have stolen my heart

Invitation only, grand farewells
Crash the best one
Of the best ones
Clear liquor and
Cloudy eye
Too early to say goodnight

You have stolen my heart
You have stolen my heart

And from the bottle flow, we are in celebration
One good stretch before our hibernation
Our dreams are sure
And we all will sleep well
We'll sleep well

You have stolen
You have stolen my
You have stolen my heart

I watch you spin around
In the highest heels
You are the best one
Of the best ones
We all look like we feel

You have stolen my
You have stolen my
You have stolen my heart

it's 1 am

2007-10-06T22:45:00.000-07:00

*sigh*

I'm not sure if I should even write this... but it's the only way I'm going to be able to sleep tonight.

There are people in our lives, very few people, who will affect you in such a way that their removal is devastating. These people are the ones you want to talk to at 1 am when you can't sleep. These people are the ones you worry about 24 hours a day 7 days a week. These are the people you need... the people you can't function at 100% without once you know what it's like to have them in your life.

And my person, the first in my 22 years of living, has deserted me, preferring to be angry and hateful than to accept the importance they hold in my life and the role I so need them to play.

I feel alone tonight. But it is not just tonight. It is any number of nights. But my loneliness is not the only thing that triggers my desire to have this person in my life again. It's wanting to talk about everything in nothing in the same conversation. It's wanting to welcome silence rather than be afraid of it. It's wanting to voice fears and excitements that I cannot tell anyone else. It's wanting to be fully comfortable again, preferring to sit in the "presence" of this person than do anything else.

And if you're reading this, and I'm positive you will eventually... I'm very sad we can't talk anymore. I wish you could understand. I wish you wouldn't think the worst of me. I wish you wouldn't think that I am capable of manipulating you because I'm just not. I wish you needed me to talk to as much as I need you.

Anyway, for those of you who are reading this and are becoming less interested by the word because I'm not talking to you anymore, I apologize, but this one sided conversation is important. It will be sleep saving... at least for tonight.

feelings

2007-09-30T19:15:00.001-07:00

I'm feeling a little screwed.

I dunno. Some guys are just too hard to figure out and not even worth my time, right?

Blah.

Anyway. I've been to Phoenix, Reno and Charlotte and I'm feeling worn on.

I am really sad because I had to leave my puppy, Crispin, at home with mom because I'm flying so often. I feel really lonely and achey and blah blah blah.

Not much to talk about. Just feeling stupid.

Arizona and Nevada

2007-09-20T18:26:00.000-07:00

Well, well, this post is being written at a Marriott in Phoenix, Arizona. Today is my second full day here. And, of course, I have a story to tell. So... right now I have a dog to tote around, a boot on my left foot, and well my general clumsiness going for me at the moment. So somewhere between the Charlotte airport and Phoenix, I lost my license... yes, people... my driver's license, needed not only to get BACK on a plane, but to rent a car (which is an absolute MUST is a SALES position) as well.

So, I get to the rental car counter at what feels like 11:30 pm and is really only 8:30 in Phoenix and realize that I can't find my license. I, of course, am exhausted so I start bawling. And, of course, the guy does not know what to do with me at ALL so he has me call the airline in an attempt to help me. They are no help at all. So I call the hotel to get the shuttle to pick me up at the rental car place. Oh no, but noone but the rental car shuttles can get onto the rental car property (stupid, stupid, stupid) so I have to take a shuttle BACK to the airport, call the hotel again and have the hotel shuttle meet me at the right gate. That takes another 20 minutes so by the time I am standing at the front desk it feels like 1 am. So I'm checking in and the woman goes, "Oh, you have a dog?" Uhm, yes, the person making the reservation for me was aware of that fact as well. "Well, we never allow pets. Never," she says. Pause. "But, I guess you can just pretend like I didn not see him." Okay.

So I check in and go straight to bed with a wake up call set for 6 am. I get up at 6 am and start making phone calls. My first appointment is in Mesa (5 miles away) at 10 am. I get a ride with a taxi service set up for that, then I find out that the area manager lives in Phoenix and is on vacation and that his car is sitting in the driveway. (Why do we park in driveways and drive on parkways, by the way?) So I change my taxi ride to his house, which ends up costing $100. So now I have a car.

On the way to get the car the Maryland MVA (MotorVehicle Association) calls me because they received my fax requesting a temporary license as soon as possible. They agree to overnight it using the company's fedex account number and my mom is also overnighting me my passport so that I can reboard a plane.

So, now I have a car, my license is here as of today and I have serviced 5 of the 7 schools in this area. I leave on Sunday for Reno, NV where I will service 6 more schools and then I fly back to Charlotte on Thursday where I will pick up my car and drive home and then I have to drive to Kansas City by Sunday night because I will be based out of there from now on. But I only have a reservation for 6 days. So what do I pack? Where will I keep my car?

I have no idea, but I'm ready. I'm excited.

I love this.

Oh and Phoenix is my favorite city thus far. It's unbelievable here. The scenery is just mind blowing. It's so completely different from the east that I can't help but be blown away. Love it here. Could absolutely live here. Who wants seasons? I'd rather have the same temp all year. Love it. Love it. Love it.

New Dog

2007-09-09T10:59:00.000-07:00

So as I was laying in the hotel room night after night alone for 2 and a half weeks, it occurred to me that I should get a companion. A companion would make life not to boring, it would help with my loneliness, etc, etc. So I started researching (I went to a holistic pet store and asked the owner) toy dogs that I could travel with. I decided kinda on a poodle and started researching toys, how much it would cost to buy a puppy, what the grooming requirements were, potential health problems, etc, etc etc. Then I looked at the Central Carolina Poodle Club's rescue page. There was a two year old, boy poodle named Peanut. (I hate that name.) So anyway, I filled out the application, sent numerous e-mails back and forth to the woman who was fostering him. I used Megan and Mark for references (and they said great things) and I made an appointment to meet him on Saturday (yesterday). So they showed up around 2:30 and I was instantly in love.

Caroline (the foster mom) had put bows in his hair (those came off as soon as they left) put he'd just been groomed and he looked so cute. Anyway, he's a sweetheart and he loves me. He follows me everywhere. We took a nap together today cause we were up early to let him out. Anyway. So that's an update on my life. I'm still in North Carolina and I'm not sure how much longer I'm going to be here, but that's okay.

I'm sane and happy and a pet owner!! Yay!

By the way, his name is Crispin now. It means one with curly hair. teehee.

Full Day 2

2007-08-24T17:40:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone! I'm in Charlotte, NC helping out Carolyn Henderson whose daughter is ill. I drove down here on Wednesday and have been staying at the Extended Stay America in Pineville for the last two nights. I've had five appointments with five different schools and I've loved every second of it.

Except being alone. I didn't appreciate how lonely I would feel when I'm home alone on a Friday with nothing to do. I would go out, but I have no idea where to go, and I don't know if I'm okay with going out to a bar alone yet. Anyway, so I'm watching The Animal on Fox which isn't all that fun, but I guess I'll go do that now.

If any of you are reading this and feel bad for me, feel free to call and keep me company with a few minute phone call.

Wish me luck getting used to this.

3 am

2007-08-18T23:58:00.000-07:00

well... here i am again... it's 3 am and no one wants to talk to me. am i that bad of a person that noone is interested in the insightful things I have to say right now?

i had a conversation with a boy named stacey tonight... about politics, religion... and that's pretty much it. he's saving himself for marraige... which is sort of crazy in this day and age but more power to him.

i sometimes wonder what my life would be like if i had saved myself for marraige. this is what i want to talk about with someone, but someone (i know you're reading, why didn't you pick up?) didn't want to talk to me. i'm sure because this person probably thought that my mind was clouded with alcohol, but i really feel like i'm in a particular kind of mood that i want to talk about my faith and my religion with someone. but because noone wants to talk to me... here i am.

God has a direction for all of us. i believe that. i also believe, however, that he gives us choices along the way... is that person someone i need in my life? is this the right job for me? should i take this road or that road? etc. you get my point. we have a plan, but we are allowed to shape that plan every once in a while.

so anyway, this guy, stacey, (yes he has a girl's name) was thrown in my lap and he was wearing a shirt that said, "jesus cleared the temple." this guy wore that shirt out to a bar, where he was celebrating his friend's bachelor party.

so we got to talking about some pretty deep shit about religion and how he is christian but didn't really consider himself under any religious demonination beyond that (does that sound like anyone else i know?) and we got to talking about all that religion stuff... which eventually lead to politics (as religion usually does) and then he told me about this girl that he's been waiting on for 3 years.

and i started bawling... like downright heaving tears while i was in the bar. and it had nothing to do with this guy, who was attractive but completely not my type... but more to do with why God would bring such a person into my life - a person that i could connect with on a deeper level - for such a short perios of time?

i truly felt like i could learn a lot from this individual but he made it clear that he was not interested in any contact after tonight. this made me sad because i really felt like he could help me grow in my faith, in my beliefs, and in my actions that should mirror (or at least try to ) those actions and beliefs of Christ. so i got upset that he wasn't as touched by our conversation to continue it in a different atmosphere.

i dunno. it hard to explain.

i guess what it comes down to are there are so few people in my life that i feel comfortable talking about my faith with that it hurt that a perfect stranger (go figure) wouldn't latch onto such a conversation the way i do.

what does that say about me? that i don't surround myself with peopl that a meaningful enough to share that with? or i'm looking in the wrong places (frigging armadillo's) for those people?

am i a bad person? am i too much of a sinner to make it into heaven after His judgement? am i just pretending that i have faith? am i just pretending like i don't?

how can i , as sure of myself as i ever have been, still have so many questions? how can i still feel like there is part of me missing? should i pay more attention to the side of me that is faithful? would that part of me lead me to a greater understanding of who i am and what i want it life?

i guess i'll close with, "God, give me stength to find you. God, give me strength to follow in your footsteps left by our Lord God Jesus Christ. And most of all, give me, please Lord God, the stength to trust in you no matter what hardships may befall me. Help me trust in your holy ways and help me make myself a better person."

xo

lost for now

2007-08-11T13:16:00.000-07:00

Well it's been a week or so since I wrote last. And that's mostly because I'm feeling sort of lost on this road of my life. A week ago I was in Orange County, CA being offered the chance to take the territory that is open there. Now I'm at home with no idea where I'm going or for how long. They've canceled my reservation at the long term stay facility in Kansas City, told me not to drive my car out there and to sit tight and wait for instruction until early next week.

So here I am in Annapolis, MD (or close enough) awaiting direction and losing my way more and more everyday.

I've been out at the bar every night since Monday. That would be five nights out until at least 2 am, usually closer to 3-3:30. It's been really fun, truly, but I'm ready to get down to work. I'm ready to be serious about my life.

The last couple of weeks at home have been a whirlwind. I've been going going going without a break. I get out of the house everyday, I go out every night. But I have no structure.

I'm a person who is spontaneous but it a structured way. If I have a schedule, I feel more comfortable being spontaneous, but if I have no schedule I start feeling lost and spontaneity starts being draining.

Well that's it for now.

A Good Night

2007-07-29T07:34:00.000-07:00

So last night was my first night out at a bar while SINGLE in like a year. It's was awesome. It was so much fun to see my girls Megan and Elise, to go to a bar I really feel at home (woot, Armadillo's), to feel comfortable with the people who work there (I love those guys and gals).

I had so much fun just shooting the shit with good friends and not having to worry about when I might get an angry phone call or when I'm going to have to worry about calling someone who's already angry that I was out drinking and dealing with that crap. It was nice not to have to worry about being myself.

I want to be with someone who trusts me, someone who appreciates me for all of my faults as well as my strengths.

But most of all, people. I don't want to be with anyone at all right now.

My life is in turmoil. I'm not going to have a home for up to a year. I'm going to be traveling so much that I won't have time and no matter what, I will have a long distance relationship. And I am SO over long distance.

For those of you that have ever done the long distance thing you know what I'm talking about. You try to call eachother as often as possible but sometimes that's just not enough. You're constantly worrying about when you're going to see eachother next. And with a schedule like mine that is so up in the air, it would be impossible to make concrete plans.

Lesson for today: singledom it is for me until I settle down.

xo

The Difficulty

2007-07-28T05:49:00.000-07:00

i woke up really early today and my kitty kept me awake all night wanting to snuggle, but that's okay, at least i slept in my bed, in my room. i missed Maryland. i do like it here. plus my family is here.

i have boxed and boxes of stuff to go through from walsworth but all i really want to do is actually have a weekend when i don't do anything. i just want to hang out, go shopping, enjoy having some time off. is that wrong to want? i also have proofs to edit and send back to plant as well as a yearbook to finish before the end of august.

but i think today is a day off. a day of reflection. i'll probably write a few more posts today.

by the way... it was sooo nice to get a ful night's sleep with no hour long interruptions for a phone call. it was wonderful. but that doesn't mean i might be regretting burning that ship a little bit. i'll get through it. my strength has just exploded and i will not be brought down by temptation. i will not rebuild that ship.

full speed ahead in this new land.

xo

Last Day with the family

2007-07-27T17:10:00.000-07:00

So I'm at the airport, on my way "home" to Baltimore (BWI). And I'm already missing my family. I really am. Jaclyn, Coach, Kevin, Michelle, Chad, Robin, Jeff, Jen, Mikey, and Mindi... I really, really appreciate going through this process with all of them. I will miss each of them.

Anyway, big news, I'm FINALLY d0ne with Paul. I broke up with him and we're done. I love him. I do, I will always love him, but he hasn't made me happy in a while. He doesn't make me UNhappy, I'm just not happy being with him. After everything, I just got to the point when I couldn't forgive him anymore. He'd hurt me for too long. He'd put Amber before me for our entire relationship. Only until April when he finally realized that we should be together did he really start pushing her away - not sleeping with her, not taking her everywhere, not doing much of anything, but it was too late... he waited too long.

But we're done, I burned that bridge, and now I'm ready to take on this job, I'm ready to travel until I'm dead if I can prove to this company that I can do it. If I can do this forever, I'd love it. I love to travel and for now, if I could do this, I would do it forever. If it can advance me, I'll do it forever, whatever it takes.

More later.

xo

Day four of Sales Training

2007-07-26T10:17:00.000-07:00

YAY! I impressed the National Sales Manager!! Best thing that could ever happen to me. I was so nervous going in. Here's the story.

The first day (Monday) I was practicing with George who was our trainer during the first week and he's really sweet and soft on all of us but I was with Nicole (Austin) and Chad (San Diego) and we were all giving eachother shit.

First we have to get past the "gatekeeper" who is basically the person sitting in the front office - be it an old secretary or a student aide - by introducing ourselves and blah blah blah. We have to leave at least with an appointment. Then we have to get the prospect to listen to us and we have a script for that to that I know pretty well. Then we do a Needs Analysis, a Presentation and finally discuss price. At least that's what we do in a perfect world.

Anyway, on Monday we were practicing getting past the secretary and trying to get an adviser go through the process with us and listen to what we have to say. Practicing with classmates can be difficult and trying but humorous because we all just give each other shit. We make it hard. So Monday was fun. Then on Tuesday and Wednesday I was paired up with Tom Ott who is this 57 year old man that competes in the senior olympics. He has a 25 year old daughter but he has the mentality of a 22 year old guy. He's hysterical but he absolutely knows what he's doing.

This time I was paired with Jeff (Norfolk, VA; military books) who is this really funny guy but he's shy and reserved when you first meet him. We were trying to break him out of his shell. He's the complete opposite of me. It's very cool to work with him because we kind have a funny friendship because we know how different we are but it ends up working.

Anyway, we breezed through the IAs and the first couple of steps of the Needs Analysis. Tom gave us insightful critiques and also gave us a lot of insight from what he's seen in the field. He was easy and fun to work with and I really enjoyed those two days.

So today before we went into our rooms I looked at Bob who has this naturally mischevious smile... a lot like Jack Nicholson... and I Tom was standing right next to me and I said, "I want to stay with Tom, he's good." Bob just smiled wider and pulled Jim Worthington (the National Sales Manager) out of the room to "discuss" I'm sure. When they walked back in Bob pointed to me and said, "You're with Jim."

I was immediately nervous and knew that they were testing me and that Bob wanted Jim to see first-hand how I was doing. Anyway, we got into the room and we watched some of my tape and then went through one of the processes in the Needs Analysis that he felt I needed work on. There were a few times, though, that he said, "Perfect. That was perfect." And this is a man of VERY little words.

It was exhillarating to practice with him. I knew I had to learn what I'd done wrong and fix it quickly. I need to stop overcommiting myself, I need to ask more questions and stop talking, I need to savor the silence.

Anyway... break's over.

xo

life in the fast lane

2007-07-25T13:54:00.000-07:00

as many of you know, i've been going, going, going for the last six weeks. i haven't stopped and it doesn't look like there's going to be any stopping for another little while at least. six weeks ago or so i started at walsworth yearbook publishing. the first two weeks were an intense week of training. the first week was all price book (where our prices come from) training.

this book is a huge book of rules upon rules of charges and credits and information on programs and shit. it's easy-ish to navigate and find what i'm looking for but at points its line upon line, paragraph after paragraph of information... all of which i need to know stone cold. it's a lot but it's manageable i think.

anyway, the first week i kicked ass. i pissed a lot of the people in my group on the first day. they thought i was a know-it-all (which i am) but i also sort of answered all the questions and got all the money and was basically just being a big pain in the ass. kevin and i, especially, butted heads. we sat across from eachother and kevin wants to be the star of the class and so do i. by the end of the first day he was raising his hand even if he didn't know the answer to the question just to try to show me up.

he has since admitted to me that he wanted to strangle me. i started to make his life easier, however, when we worked together on homework and studying. basically once i started supporting the group rather than making them feel inferior, they ended up warming up to me. i like to help people, really, so it worked out.

by the middle of the week we all started to have a lot of fun and someone decided it would be a great idea to stay out the latest on the day before we had to be up at 5 am to drive three hours to the plant in north-central missouri. it was a lovely day.

the second week was a review for me. we went over how indesign works, how our enhancements work, etc. the only thing new to me was the online design training, which was of course toward the end of the week when all of us were suffering.

training is intense. there is so much to learn, so much to remember, and so much more than just training going on. especially for our class (all 12 of us) there are 11 new personalities to learn and figure out and get to know and support. it's all very overwhelming, tiring and scary. but we made it through, all 12 of us stayed both weeks.

next came the summer sales meeting at which we were all just as wild and crazy. the only thing was we added 100 or so people to our numbers. all of the sales reps were there, all of the management, everyone! and monday night was the awards banquet and the theme was full throttle. everyone was dressed in biker garb. i decided, however to wear a white marilyn monroe halter dress from j. crew with the temporary tattoo they gave all of us on my left shoulder blade.

it was a great night but the exhaustion set in the next day and recovery was impossible. the days were full of our new computer system, inks, training... a whole lot of staring at our computer screens trying to figure out a whole new system to the company.

anyway... now it's the third day of sales training and i've been kicking ass this week too. i was really stressed that i may not do as well this week because i have no sales experience at all. but i have done better than i thought at memorization and, thus, have been succeeding more than i thought i would.

so that's the update on why i haven't been returning any phone calls or really calling anyone at all.

i hope you will become a regular reader. i hope i become a regular blogger.

xo

Day Three of Sales Training

2007-07-25T10:45:00.000-07:00

This is my first true blog. Not sure how many people will be reading it, but I'm here posting. More later... I've been busy reading another blog.

xo