Break ups

So... I think I've discovered exactly why my most recent break ups have been so hard. First of all I'm with these men that are not at all what I want long term. They're self centered, childish, and they're not going anywhere in life. I, on the other hand, I am going places. And I do not want to be the primary provider for my family. OH! And yes, I want a family.

So I date these guys that don't meet any of the standards I have for a lifelong partner. Maybe thinking that I can change them? Maybe hoping that being with me will motivate them to improve themselves? But, no. Instead they get lazy. I paid for EVERYTHING with John and David now owes me $20! Oh for crying out loud.

And then it's the best part. Then they buckle under the weight of my expectations. They know I'm too good for them. That I treated them better than anyone, that they had it easy with me but with that ease came my daunting expectations. So then I make their lives shit - at least emotionally. I'm grumpy and sarcastic and obnoxious. So they get sock of that. And who could blame them? So then they pull away and they push me away and then before I'm ready I snap because I can't handle being treated so crappy. I can't handle not being appreciated. I can't handle NOT trusting the person I'm with to care about me despite - or because of - my flaws. So I snap HOPING that they'll come running after me. They'll have this huge epiphany that they loved having me in their lives and they can't handle the thought of not having me there.

But they don't.

And then it gets to the point that it's not about wanting them back. It's about wanting them to want me back.

So I need to stop being so selfish and vain and understand that despite the fact that I pour myself into these relationships, I've reached my breaking point and I don't want them in my life. I need to be - once again - the bigger person. I need to pray for that strength I think.

*sigh* so, David, if you can't grow up and be a man instead of a child and treat me with respect that's fine. I'm better off without you. If you want to drink your life away and make out with slutty girls with fake boobs in a teeny bikini and high heels, please, I'm DEFINITELY better off without that kind of person in my life. Just because you don't want me doesn't mean no one will. And SOMEDAY I will find that perfect balance.

I will find the person that is as into me as I am into them an vice versa.

Period.

Head up. It'll be ok.