3 am

well... here i am again... it's 3 am and no one wants to talk to me. am i that bad of a person that noone is interested in the insightful things I have to say right now?

i had a conversation with a boy named stacey tonight... about politics, religion... and that's pretty much it. he's saving himself for marraige... which is sort of crazy in this day and age but more power to him.

i sometimes wonder what my life would be like if i had saved myself for marraige. this is what i want to talk about with someone, but someone (i know you're reading, why didn't you pick up?) didn't want to talk to me. i'm sure because this person probably thought that my mind was clouded with alcohol, but i really feel like i'm in a particular kind of mood that i want to talk about my faith and my religion with someone. but because noone wants to talk to me... here i am.

God has a direction for all of us. i believe that. i also believe, however, that he gives us choices along the way... is that person someone i need in my life? is this the right job for me? should i take this road or that road? etc. you get my point. we have a plan, but we are allowed to shape that plan every once in a while.

so anyway, this guy, stacey, (yes he has a girl's name) was thrown in my lap and he was wearing a shirt that said, "jesus cleared the temple." this guy wore that shirt out to a bar, where he was celebrating his friend's bachelor party.

so we got to talking about some pretty deep shit about religion and how he is christian but didn't really consider himself under any religious demonination beyond that (does that sound like anyone else i know?) and we got to talking about all that religion stuff... which eventually lead to politics (as religion usually does) and then he told me about this girl that he's been waiting on for 3 years.

and i started bawling... like downright heaving tears while i was in the bar. and it had nothing to do with this guy, who was attractive but completely not my type... but more to do with why God would bring such a person into my life - a person that i could connect with on a deeper level - for such a short perios of time?

i truly felt like i could learn a lot from this individual but he made it clear that he was not interested in any contact after tonight. this made me sad because i really felt like he could help me grow in my faith, in my beliefs, and in my actions that should mirror (or at least try to ) those actions and beliefs of Christ. so i got upset that he wasn't as touched by our conversation to continue it in a different atmosphere.

i dunno. it hard to explain.

i guess what it comes down to are there are so few people in my life that i feel comfortable talking about my faith with that it hurt that a perfect stranger (go figure) wouldn't latch onto such a conversation the way i do.

what does that say about me? that i don't surround myself with peopl that a meaningful enough to share that with? or i'm looking in the wrong places (frigging armadillo's) for those people?

am i a bad person? am i too much of a sinner to make it into heaven after His judgement? am i just pretending that i have faith? am i just pretending like i don't?

how can i , as sure of myself as i ever have been, still have so many questions? how can i still feel like there is part of me missing? should i pay more attention to the side of me that is faithful? would that part of me lead me to a greater understanding of who i am and what i want it life?


i guess i'll close with, "God, give me stength to find you. God, give me strength to follow in your footsteps left by our Lord God Jesus Christ. And most of all, give me, please Lord God, the stength to trust in you no matter what hardships may befall me. Help me trust in your holy ways and help me make myself a better person."

xo